Seven Days

✄ Alibis

Outside the coffe shop

"I... I-uh... I actually have something to do," I say, starting to walk away now. But why am I walking away? This is my chance to talk to him. I should stop right now.

                   "And what would that be?" he asks, taking a hold of my hand again. "You're not from here. You are a tourist of Penn State. So what would you be doing to a place you've never been?" he asks The questions sink into me slowly. He has a point. What else should I do?

                   Evan caresses the back of my hand with his thumb. Stop it. Move away now, I order myself. But I am not about to. Truthfully? I am enjoying the little time I'm having with him. I'm still not facing him, though. Because at the end of my mind, there's still one thing that will happen for sure after this. And that's what I want to avoid.

                   "You know, it's been more than eight months," he says, still caressing my hand. "And I always wonder, how are you? You didn't answer that previously. How are you, Charlie?"

                   I have to stop myself now. I have to make it clear to myself that I'm here to find him because of closure. Because I want to move on. Because... because I still love him.

                   I face him and abruptly run towards him, hugging him. I bury my face in his chest. My arms are tight around his neck. I don't want to let go just yet. The feelings I have for him are so deep that it's making so hard for me to get up and move on. I just want this moment to last. If this is a dream, then so be it.

                   He's playing with my hair. He says, "I guess, you're okay?" It is more of an inquiry than stating a fact. It's so obvious that I'm not that okay, so why ignore that? "Charlie--"

                   "I miss you, Evan," I start saying; my face is still buried deep in his chest. "I miss you still, Evan. Everyday and every night, I miss you."

                   I feel him stiffen in his place. His hand stops from playing with my hair. And then eventually, he pushes me away gently to look at my face and says, "I wish I can say the same."

                   Those words have to be the most painful thing I have ever heard of in my entire life. It is like my lifeline and every minute, it's lowering down. I move back and just look down. He reaches out for me but I back away. What's the use? He already said those words, so why still reach out? Doesn't he know that it already pained me?

                   "I'm sorry." He doesn't like it whenever I say sorry, because he says that nothing will change after saying it. So don't say it instead. But I just feel the need to say it. Not just to him but for myself as well. I have to be sorry for myself for trying so hard to reach him when he's the one who doesn't want to be reached out onto anymore.

                   "Charlie--"

                   "It's okay," I cut him off. The tears flowing from my eyes are endless. I can see the droplets forming an odd form on the ground. My sight is getting blurry and any minute, I will breackdown. "You don't have to say anything anymore. It's all clear to me, I know. I just thought..." I trail off. A loud sob escape my lips. I cover my face with my hands. I can't hold back the tears anymore.

                   No words, just actions. Evan pulls me to a tight hug, like he doesn't want to let me go. But no, it's not that kind of hug. This is just a simple hug.  Like something the guilty card is putting on him. There's no way that he won't let me go. He doesn't like me, so that is for sure.

                   "I'm afraid to hurt you again," he says in a very low voice that I almost don't hear it. "I'm afraid that if we get this close again, I might hurt you again and that's one thing I'm avoiding. I don't know that you are looking for me. I don't want you looking for me, actually," he adds, laughing with no humor. "I'm just..."

                   "Ignore me," I say in his chest. "Just ignore me. This will be gone."

                   "For how long?" he asks. Somehow, I feel his hug tightens.

                   "For... I don't know. I don't know," I cry even more. "Just ignore me."

                   "I can't just ignore you if you're hurting like this because of me. I don't want you getting hurt that's why I left.'

                   "And you thought that I won't get hurt after you left? That's crazy," I keep saying in his chest. This is not cool at all.

                   "I thought--"

                   "Well, you thought wrong," I say, cutting him off. "There's nothing good that happen after you left."

                   I can hear his heart beating in his chest. It's so loud that I thougt it will burst out of it. He doesn't let me go. His hug is still tight. And we are just standing there outside the coffee shop like there's no other people passing by.

                   It can be a dream or something. Maybe my imagination that this person I'm hugging is Evan. If this is only created by my mind, then just let it be. Maybe this is all I need to slowly forget about Evan.

                   But if this is real, then thank you. At least the doubt I'm having somehow subsided.

                   The doubt that Evan didn't really fall for me.

--

Ah! Feels good to write in the middle of the night again. :)