Smother (Kellic)

Sleep Closely

Note: This is a fictional story, and some characters have to serve as antagonists. As real people, I love every character of this story and I mean absolutely nothing by making one of them an antagonist.
Have a lovely day.

The sound of the front door opening was my cue, and I immediately finished the line I was reading and closed the small book that felt so perfect in my hands.

I put the book on my nightstand and clicked my lamp off, leaving the other one on so Jaime wouldn't be left in the dark when he walked in. I closed my eyes as I heard footsteps in the hallway, and then they stopped at the door.
I heard a sigh from my boyfriend of seven years.

I felt the guilt that I always feel when I do this, when I pretend to be asleep after his late shifts. I don't think i'll ever forgive myself for avoiding him this way, he's the love of my life. He's the reason I have a life.
I just can't do it tonight, just like I can't do it every other night.

I felt weight on the bed as he leaned on it to take his shoes off. It's funny how you get so used to the same thing, you can tell exactly where someone is in your own house just by the noises.

Jaime's routine after a late night at work is to take his shoes off, and then undress down to his boxers before crawling into bed beside me. It's always been the same, even when I didn't pretend to be asleep. Only, then I would be talking to him and asking him about his day. He would tell me in great detail, and then we would cuddle and then maybe even have sex before going to bed.
Now, If I didn't pretend to be asleep, he might give me a peck on the lips before I asked how his day was. Then, he would tell me if it was a good or a bad day, but he would never ask of mine. After that we would either go to sleep, or maybe one of us would mention something that would start a late night argument.

When I say something, I mean anything.
Bills,
Our future,
The cat,
Music,
Weekend plans,

Anything can start an argument. The worst part is that it's both of our faults, there isn't one of us that needs to change because it's both of us that do.

Arguments are one of my least favorite things in the world, even when I'm not in it.

It's been like this for two years. We've seen a couples therapist, and right when it was starting to work, things only got worse. Jaime didn't like the thought of needing a therapist, and I didn't either, but I knew that we did.

Just like I knew that I did when I met Jaime in my Sophmore year of High School.

The only reason it hurts this bad is because I know that I need Jaime. We both know that Jaime would do just fine on his own, but I wouldn't because I've always been far too dependent on Jaime. That is the reason things are like this.
The arguing is both of us, but the main problem is me.

I smother Jaime.

After Jaime was done undressing, I felt his weight on the mattress as he crawled in bed, letting his back touch mine as we laid opposite of each other. Jaime turned the light off, leaving me with nothing more but the darkness that consumes me on nights like these.

The darkness I can't talk to him about.
The darkness I don't talk to anyone about.

Telling him these things would worry him, and all I've done is worry him.

I don't want to die anymore, but I used to and now Jaime doesn't trust me with my own medication, he doesn't trust me with knives that are sharper than the ones I use to cut bread with.

I can't say I blame him, but now I can't tell him anything I feel because i'm afraid of worrying him. Of course these thoughts can't actually hurt me, the things I see and dream of are only things my mind makes up. The fears I have that come to me in daydreams and nightmares.