Smother (Kellic)

Humpty Dumpty

I held my breath as Jaime's footsteps approached our bedroom, this time not pretending to be asleep. I stopped reading, but my eyes were still on the page, though quickly torn away when he appeared in the doorway. Jaime looked in as if he expected me to be asleep, but he was surprised when I was awake.

"Hey" I said gently, offering a smile.

"You're awake" he said with a smile in return as he walked in. I closed my book and put it on my nightstand as he got closer to me.

Jaime walked to where I was and cupped my face gently, pressing a small kiss on my forehead before leaning against the bed to take his shoes off. "How was your day?" I asked.

I looked at the man that brought all of my problems on himself, even when I didn't want him to. I would do anything to make sure that he didn't.

I would do anything to have him believe me when I say that i'm alright.
"It was alright, the usual" he said with a lighthearted sigh as he undressed down to his boxers.

I nodded, feeling to urge to feel his warmth against me. Feeling the urge to wrap him in my arms and hold him for the rest of our lives. I always long for that.
I just want him to kiss me the way he used to.

Of course, I'm just as capable as he is, but everytime I think of being the one to initiate it I have knots in my stomach like I did in the beginning of our relationship.

Jaime crawled under the covers beside me, and I turned to face him, both of us laying opposite the way we usually do. "I'm sorry about this morning" he said casually, his eyes meeting mine.

"You shouldn't be sorry. Everything you said was true" I said, feeling guilty again. Jaime nodded, leaving us in a neutral silence. "I want to try couples therapy again" I said gently, watching his expression immediately change to one of confusion.

"Vic, it won't help" he said calmly, shaking his head.

"I really think that it can if we find the right therapist" I said, just glad that he wasn't angry at me for suggesting it.

"You're the one that needs a therapist. Not me" he snapped.

I guess I spoke too soon on that one.

I pursed my lips together, breaking eye contact. I felt shaky, but not shaky to a point where I couldn't hide it from him.

I do need a therapist, but thats why I have one.

Desperately not wanting to get in an argument, I kept my mouth closed.
I'm afriad things will be like this forever.

The bitter silence was nearly deafening, and so much worse than I thought silence could ever be. If it isn't the silence, it's an argument. There isn't a way around it unless we can figure something out soon.

I don't think either of us can handle the suffocating silence anymore.

Jaime sighed after awhile and turned the way he usually sleeps before turning off his lamp. I bit my lip as tears threatened to fill my eyes, I turned and cut my lamp off as well, letting the tears leak from my eyes and roll down my face before disappearing into my pillow.

My pillow that has absorbed countless tears from similar events.

The worst part about it is that I have to hold my breath, even as my chest shakes with sobs. I have to hold my breath so he can't hear.

I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried to stop the flow of tears.

Things will never get better.

***