Smother (Kellic)

Suspicions

"The Illness
Does not
Define me,
She said.
                  But
                         She
                                 Is
                                    The
                             one
                     that
             let
       it
do
just that.
She is
The one
Who gave it
The power
To kill
Her.
-Definition of an Illness does not matter, its what you let it do to you that does."

That was the poem of Kellin Quinns that I ended on when I heard the front door open, I quickly closed the book and shut my light off about a minute before Jaime walked into our bedroom, sighing the way he always does.

I kept my mind occupied on curiosity.

Who was he writing about?

I haven't seen the breathtaking Kellin Quinn in a whole month.
It has been a month since he saw the bruise, and a month since I pushed him away. I am only just now letting myself give his book a read, and it is truly just as breathtaking as he is.

I felt the urge to talk to Jaime, to hug him or kiss him, because I'm so sorry for finding someone else beautiful. I propped myself up on my elbow and did my best to act like I just woke up "hey" I said, without having to fake a tired voice.

"Hey" he said lightly, not smiling or frowning. I watched his eyes land to my wrist, the bruise was mostly faded, but it stayed a lot longer than I ever expected it to. I saw the regret in his eyes, and it was okay because I knew that he was sorry for it, even if he couldn't bring himself to say it because we haven't talked about it at all.

"How was your day?" I asked in a sweet tone.

"It was alright" he said, taking his clothes off. I nodded and sat back against the pillow propped against the headboard of our bed frame. "When did you get that one?" he asked, motioning towards the book as he got in bed beside me.

"Oh, maybe a month ago?" I said casually "Kellin wrote it, and it is real-"

"You like him?" he snapped, which made me close my mouth in an instant.
"You cheating on me with him? Huh?" he demanded, his face growing from bored to angry as he raised his voice.
I felt my entire body tense up, and my mouth felt like it had been sewn shut with barbed wire. "Answer. Me. Now" he demanded in a tone that was so dark, a look in his eye matched it and sent chills throughout my body. It shook me to the very core.

"No. I-I prom-ise" I stuttered out, feeling frightful of the only thing I ever had to protect me from the world.

"After all I fucking did for you, you're cheating on me?" he concluded, his lips dripped with complete and total anger.

"No, no Jaime, I would never-"

It hurts that he thinks that I would actually do something like that.
I cut myself off when he adjusted to get closer to me, getting so close to my face that it was extremely intimidating. I pleaded with every part of myself.

Please. Please don't have a panic attack.

I knew that it wasn't a choice, though. I knew it never would be a choice.. but did Jaime know that? Sometimes he gets mad at me for having panic attacks.

He thinks i'm trying to make him look like a bad guy, but he doesn't understand that I know i'm the true bad guy. I know that this is my fault, I pushed him to this, and I think that Kellin is undoubtfully beautiful.

"You're so ungrateful. I've given up everything for you! No matter what I do, you're in some stupid constant spiral of dispair and after all of that? You fucking repay me by liking someone else?" he was yelling, and I could feel flecks of spit land on my face as every part of my body screamed with so much pain.