Smother (Kellic)

Apologies

No matter how much I tried to stop crying, I never could stop for longer than five minutes. It took anything for my mind to go back to Jaime, seeing the motel bed half empty and not my own happened to be the thing that set my mind on fire as I turned around from letting Kellin into the motel room.

I held it together decently the last five minutes, despite looking like a wreck he might've thought I was okay.

Should I even be pretending?
I don't think I can.

"Vic, I-I'm really sorry" I could tell that he was searching for more words but the air around us gave him nothing but what he needed to survive.

"You- shouldn't be" my voice shook hideously as the crying got worse with each word. I've never understood why cryng escalates so quickly while you're trying to talk, like the tears are telling you to shut up or you'll make it worse.

"Do you need anything?" he offered somewhat helplessly. I'm afraid that my sadness is making him uncomfortable, and at the same time I can't help that and I know it.
"I'm here for you, if you need anything at all I'd be more than happy to help" he said, looking at me with that look I knew was genuine. His atmosphere was so different than yesterdays.

He has his own problems and he's dealing with mine.

I swatted at the rushing tears and sat on the bed as he did. I couldn't help but look into my hands as if they held the answers to everything. I could stare at them all day and they would give me nothing but silence, and somehow my hands are always where my eyes decide to fall when I begin to feel my chest caving in.

In this moment, I realize that the void of complete emptiness is not new. That is a void that has been there for years, swelling and stretching and absorbing all of the things that I've loved. This event, me being kicked out, has kicked my brain into total realization that I am falling apart from the inside out and that this void of emptiness is one that is going to end me.
It is all over.

After an insane amount of time spent in silence, my phone gave two gentle vibrations that signaled text messages. I waited a moment before picking my phone up, a breathless feeling at what they would hold.

My eyes ran over the words "I overreacted last night, I'm sorry"

I already knew what I was going to do, even if every other part of me knew better.

The void of emptiness didn't go away either.

***

"Hey" Jaime said, seemingly apologetic. For some reason I couldn't shake the memory of last night, even as I'm relieved. I can't shake the look on Kellins face when I told him I was going home.

Home.
It's funny that it doesn't feel the same.

Barbara wrapped herself around my legs in a fit of meowing.
"Hello" I returned to Jaime, feeling the atmosphere slightly warmer than before.

"You wanna sit down? I'll get your coat" he offered as he walked towards me.

I don't know why I did it, but I flinched.

I flinched on accident and I felt him tense up as he helped me take my coat off.
He's being sweet.
Genuinely sweet, and I flinched.
Why?

I walked gently to the couch and Barbara followed, jumping enthusiastically and meowing up at me. Jaime followed me and sat down closer to me than he has in quite awhile.
"I wanted to apologize. I was just really angry" he reasoned, looking pretty genuine.

He was right. He's being sweet. It was my fault, really. I was going behind his back and spending time with someone that he doesn't approve of. I didn't tell him and I knew he didn't like it. It really is all my fault.