Smother (Kellic)

For the best?

"I have to go" I rushed, getting off of Kellins bed and avoiding his eyes the way I tend to do.

"It's Jaime.. isn't it?" he asked, his voice shook just a little and his wide eyes were filled with concern. He knows. He knows what the bruise meant and he knows what i'm scared of.
I didn't reply because he already knew the answer.
"Can I come with you? Just to make sure-"

"No" I said quickly, yet gently, trying not to alarm him.

"Vic, I-"

"It's okay" I reassured him, not believing myself. "I just need to get home, okay?" I said, letting my eyes fall back on Kellin's flowers. Jaime would kill me, he would kill Kellin.

Reassuring him did wonders for my anxiety about the situation, the panic didn't completely kick in until I walked down the hallway. My chest tightened and I grabbed the wall as I hoped the sudden panic would pass.

Jaime is going to be so mad.
What do I do?

"Hey, just breathe. Why don't you let me walk you back.. he doesn't even have to see me" Kellin said gently, putting a hand on my back.

No. No. No.

If Jaime somehow found out, or saw him, or anything like that he would flip. Kellin would get hurt, and I can't do that.

"No.. I-its okay, really" I said with a cracking voice as I made it to his door and out of it.
"I'll text you tomorrow, Kellin. Goodnight" I said, barley looking back at him.

"Goodnight, Vic" he was hesitant "Please, if you need me, give me a call. I'll be right there" he said in a sweet tone as I walked down the stairs, glancing back at a nervous looking Kellin.

Not long ago he couldn't even move.

I tried to clear my mind as I walked, I focused on how cold I was, even though I didn't mind it all too much.

What will my excuse be? I can't just go home without an excuse.

I stayed late at the book store? I went to visit my parents? I saw a movie alone? I went the store to get more cat food?

My mind raced as I thought of everythung I could say. Would he even believe any of it?
I decided to stop by the store to get another bag of cat food and a few cans of Barbara's favorite.
It wasn't until I approached my house to see Jaime sitting on the steps that I felt my stomach trying to force its way out of my body.
My stomach was hit with a thousand carnivorous butterflies as my head spun with the sudden panic attack I was on the verge of.

I couldn't see his face until I got close enough, it was an expression of anger as well as fear.
There's no way I can lie to him about where I've been.

"Where were you?" he spat, squinting up at me as I stood at the few stairs.

I flinched at his words and wished I could tuck myself away from all of this. Wishing that I could hide myself in a place that no one would ever find me.
It made me feel as if I had cheated.
Had I?
It was only friendly, really, but I didn't tell Jaime I was going. My feelings for Kellin might also be grow-

"Vic" Jaime snapped, standing up from his spot on the step and harshly grabbing the back of my arm to lead me inside.
"Where. Were. You?" he spoke in a condensending tone as he shut the front door, giving Barbara just enough time to lace around my legs.

I forced myself to breathe once before replying to him "I-I" My voice shook in fear as his eyes seemed to burn through my skin. "I- well Kellin w-was sick so I went to check o-on him when I went out to buy cat food" I lied my way through it just enough to where it wasn't the most terrible life changing lie- but maybe he wouldn't assume I was cheating.

"You were with Kellin?" Jaime raised his voice, causing Barbara to run while I shrank away from him. "You went to go hang out with your damn poet behind my back? While I was working my ass off to pay the bills?" he yelled now, his face growing a crimson color that I feared.

"Not behind y-your back. I-I told you" I tried to defend in a helpless tone, expecting to feel a slap across my face anytime now.

"If you're gonna go spend your fucking days with this guy. How do I know you aren't fucking him too?" he growled, I moved back from him, knowing that he would assume things like this.

"Jaime I love you, I would never cheat on you, I could never" I assured him, putting both of my shaky hands in front of myself. Jaime eyed them before he shook his head and brought his eyes back up to mine.

"Get out of my fucking house" he spat. My eyes widened as my heart nearly stopped.

What?
He's kicking me out?

I could barely grasp what was happening.
"Get the fuck out, Vic!" he yelled at my unmoving form. I'm almost too shocked to move.

When I didn't move, Jaime let his hands collide with my shoulders as he threw me against the wall in a fit of rage, I let my shaking body collapse to the floor moments before I was rushing to my feet. Tears streamed down my burning cheeks, but I couldn't feel myself crying.

It's over. It's all over because I'm so fucking stupid.

I managed to carry myself to the door, looking back at him through tears and my continuing dizziness that clouded my vision.
I looked at him as I stepped out of the home we've shared together for years. I suppose i'll be back while he's at work so I can gather my things but that's the last thing I can think of right now.

Where will I go?
I have enough money to rent a motel room for now but I need to find an apartment, one that allows cats.

As soon as I was out of the doorway, the door slammed behind me and that was the last thing it took for me to collapse on the cold front steps and let myself heave.
In only a few minutes I lost my house, my boyfriend, and possibly my cat.

The thought of calling Kellin crossed my mind, but I dismissed it. He would feel bad. He would want to do something about it, and he can't, it's my fault.
All my fault.

Even in the worst of situtations, I can always manage to make it even worse.

I thought my lungs might come out of my mouth, I could nearly feel them contracting together as my chest tightened painfully.

Is this the end of the world the way it seems to be?

***

I rolled over on the tear stained motel room pillow, the other side of my face brushing against the wet fabric as my tired eyes landed on the pink sky just outside of the window.
I didn't get even 10 minutes of sleep.
I don't recall a point where I wasn't crying until now.

I'm too tired and oddly numb to cry anymore.

I glanced at my phone as it lit up with the second message i've gotten from Kellin. It's far too early, why is he awake?

I looked around the room that was softly colored pink by the sunrise.

My chest ached, and I wondered if it was because of my broken heart.
It might actually be torn.
Is it still in there?

My body jolted with pain as I reached for my phone weakly.
The pain might be because of the hit to the wall, but I had a feeling that most of the pain was from the fact that my heart was so unbearably shattered.

"Hey, how'd it go?" and "Are you okay?" were the two messages I had from Kellin. I slowly let myself reply.

"Not exactly. He kicked me out" is how I decided to tell him.

With that I faced the ceiling and let stray tears roll down the side of my face.
I've always had Jaime.

Maybe this is for the best.
Maybe it's what I deserve.

"Vic, I'm so sorry. Where are you?" was the message I got in reply. I gently typed out the name of the motels and left it at that when he texted me saying that he was on his way.