SQUEE OR EXDEE - THE ACTUAL NEW TESTAMENT THAT THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO HEAR

[The Sacred Right Nut Saga]

Jerry Seinfeld heard the phone ring, and he picked it up. The indian tech support man told him that his brother was dead.

"Larry... not Larry," Jerry moaned, "He was so young... only the young age of 74..." The studio audience laughed, thinking that it was a joke. But Jerry knew that his cell phone was the only way he could communicate with the outside world. For you see Jerry had been sucked into his TV eighty-four years ago and had been stuck entertaining a studio audience ever since. Jerry spent the next month planning his escape while making funny jokes, and finally came up with a plan. He stared directly into the outside world and began to charge at it, breaking through the barrier of dimensions. He fell onto the floor, and stared right into the faces of a happy, but scared family.

The children of the family started to cry until Jerry said, "Don't worry kids, it's just your friendly neighborhood Jerry Seinfeld!"

The whole family just stared at him until he darted out the door, exclaiming, "Wow! Looks like I'm just a little Jerry in a big world!" Jerry's first order of business was to find some form of transportation in order to find his brother's grave. He ran up to the nearest car and fuckin' GTA'd that shit my dude, and began to drive off in search of NASA so he could steal a spaceship to fly to Scruple Trumdjersquandge to seek for the legendary Scrimmy Bingus. After all, Scruple Trumdjersquandge was where the Seinfeld Dynasty always buried their family members, and Scrimmy Bingus knew where every body laid in that universe. And as he reached the front doors of NASA headquarters Jerry took out of his pee-hole, the two pills given to him by Morphinous, Morpheus's siamese-twin brother. Morphinous was receiving a telepathic message from Morpheus, telling him to kill Jerry and to steal back his glorious wee-wee weapon. Morphinous agreed, even though he didn't want to do it. However, Morpheus was the dominant partner in the relationship, so he felt like he had to. So as Jerry boarded the Spaceship, that he paid for with all of his TV money, Morphinous boarded the shuttle secretly so that he would be unseen. Morphinous pulled a discreet knife from his anus, and began to ninja run at Jerry and slashed at his right nut, while he was just trying to bust a nut, as that was the only way he could enter the wormhole.

"What the fuck man, I was just try'na bust," Jerry yelled angrily.

"There's nothing' quite like a good nut," explained Morphinous, "But your sitcom is trash. Also, I need my wee-wee weapon back, for you stole it from me, Gerald."

"Dude you could have just asked I just want to get to fucking Scruple Trumdjersquandge." Exclaimed a very much in pain Jerry. Jerry's right nut was bustin', and he was transported into the universe of emptiness, Scroops McGoops. Now, Jerry was stranded, for Scroops McGoops was known to be a universe full of empty planets. Jerry, at the time, was located on Clumpity Flumpity, the emptiest planet in the entire universe.

"Fuck," said Jerry.

A voice behind him exclaimed, "Damn," Jerry turned around only to see his old friend Mr. Poopybutthole. "It's been a long time Jerry, what are you doing here on this stranded planet of Clumpity Flumpity..."

"The better question is why are you here Mr. Poopybutthole" Jerry said.

"All in good time my old friend. But first I will lend you the Godly Right Nut of Power so that you can return on your path, and bust one final nut. By the way, you need to always protect your own wee-wee weapon I will lend you mine, but then because of this I will need a favor but later in your timeline. Deal?" Jerry knew that you could never always trust Mr. Poopybutthole, but he seemed to have changed since the battle of Bumble Tumble back in '82.

"Okay," said Jerry, extending his hand. They pulled off an awkward Donald Trump handshake and Mr. Poopybutthole lent Jerry his sacred right nut. Mr. Poopybutthole dissapeared into a void, and the right nut entered his body. He began to chant the ancient Mayan "finna busta nut" chant, and his spaceship was sucked into a wormhole transporting him to Scruple Trumdjersquandge. He had finally made it, and had not lost sight of his goal. He rented an invisible boatmobile and started driving towards The Temple of Bingus, where Scrimmy Bingus resided. As he entered the home of Scrimmy he found that Scrimmy was stupidly trying on hats and finally decided on a orange beanie.

As he donned his hat, wearing it in an awkward fashion he turned to Jerry and said, "The fuck you doing in my house. Can't you see I'm busy trying to pull of that stylish homeless guy look. Geez people these days." Scrimmy sat down on his chair made of pizza, "Now listen, I made this universe for one specific reason, and that reason was to answer questions... now what brings you to my home?"

"You see, merciful one," Jerry explained, "If you haven't heard, my dear brother, Larry, has passed, and I must know where he is buried. I know that he must be somewhere on this planet, but where?" Scrimmy laughed. Jerry was confused. "What's so funny?" he asked.

"Oh, Jerry. Your brother is everywhere."

"Are you trying to prank me, mightiest of bros?"

"Haha no my son, listen, your brother has been split in-between dimensions after his untimely death... you can't save him, there's nothing you can do... I'm sorry." Scrimmy seemed a bit down. Jerry frowned and started to walk off, but Scrimmy stopped him.

"There actually is one way... however... it is extremely dangerous." Jerry listened closely. "Everyone in the universe must get together in one spot and rub their weenis' on each other's squeenis'."

"What?"

"NAH JUST KIDDIN #PRANKED, JUST A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT EXDEE LOL."

Will Jerry learn how to save his brother... Nope he is dead forever... Will Scrimmy help him find the other sages and continue his quest? Find out next Saga....