The Stars Between -- (VLD)

[17] None of that was your fault

Lance wasn't sure how long he'd spent crying into the cool metal of the kitchen table, but at this moment he didn't really care. This wasn't supposed to happen anymore. He wasn't supposed to get this upset anymore. He wished he'd brought his meds.

Something cool bumped against his arm and Lance looked up, hesitantly grabbing the bottle as he stared at Muxis in confusion. Matt turned to Muxis with a frown.

"Muxis I don't think—"

"Old enough to have a mental breakdown at the kitchen table, old enough to drink." Muxis informed gravely. The sentence elicited a weak chuckle from Lance, who uncapped the bottle and took a sip. It was strong, and he found he didn't like it that much. He'd always been told that it was an acquired taste.

He didn't know if he would ever drink enough of the stuff to start liking it. But then again, he'd never met and alcoholic who drank it for the taste.

Lance took another swig, suddenly understanding Roy a whole lot better.

He sighed, placing the bottle back on the table. Matt stole it, chucking it in the fridge with a disgusted expression.

"Kid, people don't have mental breakdowns for no reason," he said, turning back around and resting the flats of his palms on the table. "so what's up?"

"We left Vi alone," he said, trying to avoid the topic. "I was meant to stay and—"

"Nea knows what to do if there's any trouble." Muxis interrupted, sliding into the seat opposite Lance. "Vi will be fine."

Matt shrugged. "From what I heard, you've been a big help for them."

Lance gave a tiny nod, slinking down in his chair.

"So come on, you can tell us what the problem is."

Lance hesitated, dragging himself down further and avoiding looking up.

"Kid?"

"The Galra... they were tracking us through Blue." He began quietly, tracing meaningless patterns in the tabletop. "S-she sends out waves automatically to locate the- the other Lions, and it's what keeps Voltron connected to Allura."

Matt leaned forwards, brow furrowed. "Are you sure?"

Lance nodded, sliding down even further if that were possible. "Yeah. Umm... when we- when we first found the Red Lion, um, they had managed to find her first by using the signal. I- I think they- I think that's what they were doing with Blue?"

Muxis nodded, seeming deep in thought. "Were?"

Lance took a shaky breath, grabbing his upper arms and shrinking in on himself. "I- I turned it off," he said, angrily wiping away a tear that had started trailing down his cheek. He blinked, only causing several more to fall. "They can't- they can't find me n-now but—" he pressed his hands over his mouth, a sob escaping his throat.

"Hey, it's fine," Matt said, rounding the table so he stood next to Lance. He dropped a hand on Lance's shoulder, giving him a comforting smile. Lance steadied himself, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

"But now my team can't find me- can't find me either." He completed, more tears sliding down his cheeks.

"We were too late to save Mik and Th—Rinnai's mother, and- and I killed two people on the mission and the base- the base was attacked because of Blue- because of me. Vi nearly died because of me—"

"None of that was your fault." Matt insisted. "Come on." He looked over to Muxis, who nodded and pushed his chair back from the table.

Lance hid his head in his hands as the emotions overwhelmed him again, blocking out the sight of Matt and Muxis looking down pityingly at him.

An arm clasped his from either side, and Lance shrieked as he was lifted from his chair. "What are you doing?!" he yelped in a half-panic as he was set on the floor. Muxis didn't let go of his arm, but Matt did, folding his over his chest.

"Wh-where are we going?" Lance asked, being half dragged out of the room.

"To see some people." Muxis supplied, pausing to let Lance regain his footing and walk beside him.

The rounded a corner, and a small giggle sounded as Olly bumped into the trio. The giggles broke off as Olly looked to Lance, a frown making its way firmly onto her face. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked, giving a tiny wince. "Because I could feel your depression from another room, It's practically tangible."

"Wh-what?" Lance stared at Olly in bewilderment, having no idea what she meant. "I'm... sorry?"

"Lance, look at Olly." Muxis instructed, ignoring Lance's retort of "already am".

"And Roy." Matt added as she came into sight, huffing slightly with the effort it took to keep up with Olly.

"What- what about them?"

"Would Olly still be here if you hadn't killed those men?" Muxis nudged Lance, causing him to stumble in place. "Well?"

"N-no...?"

"Yes, maybe you were too late to save Rinnai and Mik's mother;" Matt added, causing Lance to flinch at the reminder. "But you saved her daughters, and I'm sure she'd be eternally grateful for that."

"Vi got hurt because of your Lion being tracked—" Muxis continued, pausing and glaring at Lance as if threatening him to even try blaming that on himself. "But Kelaan says you were a great help in patching them up." He gave Lance a friendly nudge – more of a painful shove that nearly sent him to the floor, and Lance offered a weak smile in return.

"And we heard that Kelaan wants to train you!" Olly said brightly. Lance wondered how fast news travelled through the resistance.

Roy nodded. "You should try to learn as much as you possibly can."

Matt took a big breath, rubbing his forehead as Lance stared down at his feet.

"Look kid, its war." He started, running his hand back through his hair. "It's impossible to not kill at least a few people."

Lance flinched, but knew he was right.

"But for every life you take," Matt continued, hand once more finding its way onto Lance's shoulder. "Remember that you're saving at least a dozen more."

Lance straightened his back and set his jaw, turning on his heel and heading in the direction of the hangar.

Matt made to follow, but Muxis held him back, watching the Blue Paladin leave.

He needed some time alone, time to think.

Lance made it back to the hangar, running to Blue as she set her jaw on the floor for him to enter. He nearly started crying again as he felt her in his mind. He sat in the pilot's chair, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his legs.

He let Blue's calm wash over him, closing his eyes and blocking everything else out as he focussed on breathing.

They were right – of course they were – but that didn't make his feelings invalid.

Lance had saved so many people already. He was doing the best he could.

He needed to keep believing that. He had to believe that he was doing good for the resistance.

He wasn't sure what he would do if he stopped believing it.

Lance clenched his hands into fists, raising his head and staring out of Blue's eyes, new determination running through his veins.

He was going to get stronger. He was going to save people. He was going to become a medic.

Lance would do all he could to help. He would save more lives than he took.

He would learn to heal.