Thomgelica: Every letter

Never Be Satisfied

A/N - So... finally, you have the evil chapter that may make you want to murder me - please don't, or I won't be able to make everything better (or at the very least finish the story.)

Sorry!

But please don't  comment anything bad, if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it.  

Thanks...

B x

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"Are you ok?" asked Thomas as I turned around. I felt something fall from my cheek to my bodice and reached up to feel that my face was wet with tears.

I shook my head.

He made as if to move towards me, but I held up a hand to stop him.

"Thomas, I can't do this... I cant keep this up." I said, and he looked confused. I didn't blame him, I was too. "I could be happy with you, I know that... but... I could never be satisfied. I'm very confused... I'm weird... everything I do is something no one else would think of, or expect me to even imagine. So you wouldn't be happy with me, and like I say, I wouldn't be satisfied with you. I could never be your pretty little housewife who sat around all day waiting for you to come back for dinner. I couldn't. I think it would be better if I left. I'm sorry" I said, and brushed past him back into the throng of dancing people.

I found Alexander and Eliza, kissing by the door. I coughed and they jumped back.

"I need to go home, and I can't go with Thomas, can I go back with you... now?" I asked, pleading with my eyes.

Eliza said yes - I'd known she would.

We all made our way to the carriage. Alexander squeezed my hand as he helped me inside and as I sat down I noticed my reflection in the window. My hair was stuck to my forehead, my meticulously drawn on make-up, running down my face, making me look mad.

As we started off, I tried to hold back the tears, but the sight of Alexander and Eliza, hand in hand, side by side...

I couldn't help it..

Had I made the right decision?

Had I just destroyed my one chance at happiness?

As the tears streamed down my face, soaking my char-streaked handkerchief, Eliza reached across for my hand, but I pulled away.

I was doing all of this for her, right?

I couldn't let her see me unhappy.

I wiped away the water and sighed.

"I'm sorry I ruined your night." I murmured.

I couldn't help but think back to the last time I road home in this carriage, Eliza and Peggy by my side, still glowing from my kiss with Thomas.

I had made a mistake.

But now it was too late.

Tomorrow morning, Thomas would board a boat back to France, and I might never see him again.

I was right, I would never be satisfied.