Girl in Pain | {old version}

Chapter 15

❝Sometimes, the only reason why you won't let go of what's making you sad is because it was the only thing that made you happy. ❞

-Unknown

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There was a time when I was broken. When I lost everything. When all was out of place. When I was completely lost without someone by my side. When I felt nothing but emptiness and I was so damaged that I couldn't be fixed. When I cried myself to sleep just to be woken up by nightmares. When I was punished without reason. When I was alone.

They say time can heal but even after all these months, I'm still convinced that time doesn't heal. It makes you used to something, to someone.

I remember the day everything changed, the day I met him. I remember how my heart sped up and how I was caught off guard by his eyes. I remember how his touch affected me, making my skin tingle at every contact, even a little brush of his arm or hand. I remember how he used to smile around me. That smile that reached his ears, the genuine and real one.

It's hard to think that I will never see that smile again. That he's gone.

I don't know why I'm so surprised, to be honest. I knew from the beginning that it would have broken me, that he was too dangerous. But I still let him in, pulling my barriers down. I trusted him. I really did. With all of myself. And with time, I think I got used to him. I think I got addicted to him, to him being there for me all the times I needed him.

I grew close to him breaking all the promises I made to myself. Those promises that meant everything to me after what I had done to my family...

I don't think he used me. No, he was patient, sincere with me, even if it was in his own way. But I would have much more preferred to just be friends rather than to be more broken than before.

The worst part of this all is that I fell in love with him. I don't know when nor how. But it happened. How could a broken girl like me be able to love? How could I still feel something? How could I let this happen? I knew better. But look at me, here I am with an empty feeling once again in my chest. Was it even possible to be broken again if you weren't in one piece? Even if you were already empty?

I don't know... Right now, I just feel the need to be lulled by the waves once again, to feel the sand under my feet, the wind blowing in my hair and the smell of the sea.

I'm so tempted to do it, to escape this world once again. The only thing that is holding me back from this freedom is him. I promised him I wouldn't get into the water, that I wouldn't swim anymore, or at least not during this weather. But why should I give up my freedom? I already broke a part of the promise I made. Why should I even care about someone who broke me and his promises too?

Probably I shouldn't. Probably I should let him go the same way he did with me, but I can't. I'm trying so hard to forget him, to forget the way he made me feel, to forget the day I met him. But I just can't. I can't let him go because if I do, then it will be over. It will be like I was empty over again. My life would be dull once again, my nights would be spent reminiscing the past, and my mornings running from my demons. Deep down I think I still wish for him to come back, to engulf me in his arms and intoxicate me with his smell. But I know he will never come back to get me. I know I'll never see him again and what hurts the most is that this time he doesn't want to see me again, and no matter how much I wish for him to come back, he won't.

He's gone.

He didn't leave anything behind; he didn't leave me anything but memories I don't even know if we share anymore, but he has something with him. I don't know if he's unaware of it or he just ignores it but... wherever you are Cole, know that you have everything that is left of my heart.