(prompt: 'drink' 15/9/2017)
Next time, I'm going to take my own signs for that accursed board in what is supposedly YOUR room, where they change signage with the greatest of glee whenever a new victim falls foul of their evil little brains and fingers. THIS is the 'Diabolical Dietary Directions' and can ONLY be changed on the orders of the head honcho of the operating theatre (otherwise known as 'the abbatoirs'). Those intrepid souls who protest(otherwise know as patients), are usually carted away to operating theatres - sooner, or usually MUCH later - only to return in helplessly sluggish and weakened states, all resistance quelled as if by magic.
Meanwhile, back in my room, MY sign will not bear evil tidings like 'FASTING' (is this an all-time word misnomer, or what? FAST? The fastest thing happening here is the relentless drip of the tap over the nursies' basin, the one underneath the three rubber glove dispensers - small, medium and large. Yes. I've read that... 94 times since this death-defying land speed attempt at not eating - OR DRINKING - began.)
MY sign will loudly and proudly proclaim -
'JUST ONE STRAWBERRY WITH EACH GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE' and
'HOLD THE TRIPLE CHOC DIP FOR FIRST 24 HOURS ONLY'.
The exact moment my equilibrium and sense of humour return - and nausea subsides permanently, I want a new sign -
'CRAYFISH SANDWICH ON DEMAND' and
'VEGEMITE ON TOAST - whenever requested'. (That one is probably only requested - most plaintively - in Aussie hospitals!)
Firmest instructions MUST include NOT telling the following joke if any stitches or other stomach discomfort is present -
A guy dies and is sent to Hell.
Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.
In the first room, people are standing in sewage up to their necks. The guy says "NO! Let me see the next room."
In the second room, people are standing with sewage up to their noses. Guy says "No!" again.
Finally, Satan opens the door to the third room. People are standing with sewage up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating Danish pastries. The guy says, "I pick this room."
Satan says "okay" and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee.
On the way out Satan yells, "O.K., coffee break's over. Everyone back on your heads!"
The following ditty from the side of our bar cupboard, is a thoroughly safe 'cheer up' message for those attempting recovery (otherwise known as the once unhealthy, now walking wounded) -
OLD SANDGROPER'S PROVERB
He who drinks gets drunk
He who gets drunk goes to sleep
He who goes to sleep does not sin
He who does not sin goes to Heaven
So let's all drink and go to Heaven!!!
CHEERS!!
Medicos will undoubtedly frown upon this one, usually publicly decrying there are ANY benefits to alcohol consumption. But those of us with mostly sober intentions and a preference for godliness in our day-to-day life, disagree ... LOUDLY!
YOU ARE READING
Paradoxically Yours...
Short StoryA collection of flash fiction (and non-fiction) tales written for the purpose-designed 'Weekend Writein prompts', challenging writers to produce around 500 word stories each time we choose to join the party.
