Exile

River Park Confessional // Part Two

Emily sits straight up. "What?"

I close my eyes tightly. Here goes nothing. "Okay, so maybe you're right, there's one person that can't get out of my head and that's why I haven't been in a relationship."

I can feel her intense stare. "Oh my God, I knew, I knew it. I have a sense for these things!"

"I'm not going to talk if all you're going to do is gloat." My tone is thick with stern warning.

She gets the message. "Sorry. Won't do it again."

"All right." I'm I doing the right thing? Am I really doing this? "So, yeah, there's a guy who I can't seem to get out of my head. I've tried, and I've tried, but can't do it. That's why I'm not in a relationship right now. It doesn't work when you're obviously hooked on someone else."

"Is it that bad?" Silence. "Crap, it must be. You must really dig the guy."

"That's one way of putting it." I wrap my arms around my legs to stop myself from shaking.

"Do you love him?"

Silence. In my mind, I see Alex's face, a specter of lost love and intense yearning. "Very much. He's an amazing man, the kind person you could ever meet. It's hard not to love him."

"Wow. He sounds like a good guy."

"He is." Tear pools around my eyes. "He was, rather. He was always there for me when I needed him to be. He was patient and loving, and just absolutely amazing. With him, I always felt safe, like everything would be okay, just as long as I'm with him. And I could tell that he cared that way for me, too. With him, there's no need for big things. It's the little things that most people take for granted. Anyone can do grand gestures, but little everyday things? That stuff counts more."

"Don't I know it!" I don't have to see Emily to know that she's cheesing. "How did you meet him?"

I seize up. She knows darn well how I met Alex. She found it hilarious that he assumed I was a boy. "Ah, I just…you know…met him one day."

"Where? In Vancouver?"

My heart is like the wings of a butterfly. Can I say this? Can I? Can I say it? "No. Not in Vancouver." My God…sigh… "I met him here, in Chicago."

"What?" Her screech pierces my eardrums. "Omo, omo, omo, but you were dating Mike in Chicago until a few months before you left!"

I nod, unable to dispute her. Now, I really can't stop talking. "I know. I met him beforehand, while I was still with Mike."

"Oh my God!" She jumps up, bursting with energy. Now, regret is gnawing at me. "Oh my God! Oh my God! OhmyGodohmyGodohmyGod! I can't believe this! I can't believe – why didn't you tell me? Why am I just hearing about this now?"

"I was afraid to tell anyone," I reply quietly. "I was confused about my feelings, and I wasn't sure of what to do. And, you know, I was engaged to Mike, and I thought we would be together forever…" I straighten up, very aware of a sudden, pervasive unspoken question. "I didn't cheat on Mike, by the way. I might have been confused, but I stayed faithful. After all, I thought I was in love."

"I know you're not like that." Relief is abundant in her voice. "Still, I'm a little miffed. Aren't we best friends? You should have said something!"

If she knew who it was, she'd know why I could never say anything. "I know, and I'm sorry. It was just so complicated."

"What's so complicated it? You were dating an utter asshole, and then you met a guy who is obviously anything but an asshole."

"That's a very succinct way of putting it. But Mike was a part of the group, too. I didn't want to do anything that would make things awkward for everybody."