Leah Carstairs (Book #2)

Catarina's Confession

Over the next few days, Oskino went on a spree to popular Downworlder localities, ifrit dens, to Shadow fortune tellers and other aged warlocks or seers, with abstract questions about his ongoing identity crisis.

Suddenly the question of 'who he really was anymore' had became immensely important to him; he was willing to go to quite absurd heights to find out the answer.

Unfortunately none of these local Downworlders and seers knew the truth; the best they could do was form theories - and none quite satisfied Oskino. In the end, a much recommended trip to Los Angeles's Shadow Market seemed like his only solution. He hoped to acquaint himself with some rare practicers of magic, possessors of information and local gossip - and in that course perhaps find what he was truly looking for.

Initially Oskino had been slightly reluctant to leave his settled life in New York and venture the foreign lands of LA, but soon his curiosity and desire to leave no option untouched, prevailed - and off Oskino was to LA for a short retreat.

He packed up most of his clothes and belongings and sealed up his apartment for the month he would be away. Due to his meagre savings and lack of official identity proof, Oskino couldn't get a flight to Los Angeles. Fortunately for him, Catarina was an absolute angel, for she offered to make him a direct Portal to LA.

On the afternoon of Oskino's departure, they gathered in the warlock's humble abode, where they lunched on steak and beans and conversed briefly.

"I hope you do not intend to stay in Los Angeles forever." Catarina said quietly.

"Of course not. I'll come back, once I've . . .solved the mystery about my identity, I guess. Till then, you can trust me to stay in touch with you; I have a cellphone now."

Oskino hadn't been completely honest with Catarina about why he wanted to go to the Shadow Market so badly. The real reason had been because ever since he had landed in New York, he had been extremely confused about what he was even, anymore. His utter lack of any supernatural features and abilities had initially made him believe he were a mundane. But then he had transformed into a mysterious fire-bender and could even heal certain wounds. Lately, he might even be having visions. Was he transforming into a warlock now? Or into a new kind of demon? And if yes, then why? How?

But all Catarina had been told was that Oskino wanted to figure out whether he was truly a warlock or not - that he desired to learn more about his parentage and of how his powers worked.

"Well, just . . .be careful. People in the Shadow Market are often not to be trusted. They will attempt to deceive you, cheat you and lie to you." Catarina warned.

"Well, in that case, they don't sound any more dangerous than the local ifrit and Shadow fortune tellers. But, warning noted."

"I would've also introduced you to one of my dear friends - Malcolm, who lives in LA," Catarina continued. "But . . . I'll respect your wishes, since you said you didn't wish to attract much attention."

"You have all my thanks for that. You know I love you." Oskino replied with a smile; his companion momentarily reddened.

"There . . .has also been something that I have been meaning to tell you for some time by now." Catarina began.

"Goodness, then. What made you hesitate?" Oskino light-heartedly questioned. "Procrastination isn't a character I would've associated you with."

"Neither would've I. I guess I must have only been far too nervous; it's . . .it's been a long time since I've felt this way. But, well, now that you're embarking on an uncertain journey, and heaven knows when I will see you next, so I might as well get this off my chest right now."

"Pray continue. I'm all ears."

"You see, we've known each other for several years by now." Catarina began cautiously. "And I fear that from your benefactor to your friend, I am now developing a whole different set of feelings for you."

Oskino looked up. "Whatever do you mean?"

"I love you." She said bluntly. "I love you, Jack."

His jaw dropped, his eyes widened and senses blurred upon hearing those words. She loved him. Oskino hadn't foreseen such a confession. He didn't know why, but he couldn't possibly fathom that someone - anyone - could love him. He had always been so unaccustomed - so isolated - from the emotion called love.

Perhaps it had been because of the eons he had spent in Edom, purposely deserted from all. Moreover his disbelief to anyone loving him had been strengthened by the fact that his own demonic parents never cared a tuppence about him, and about how recently everyone in the Shadow World loathed him for what he had done to Leah.

He himself had loved only 1 person in this world - Leah Carstairs, and even after 4 years, he couldn't get over what he had done to her.

In short, somewhere deep down Oskino was convinced that he was a bad person - who had committed unforgivable sins in his past out of pure angst; and that is why nobody could love him. Ever.

He had even stopped paying attention to what Catarina was saying at the moment. " . . . It didn't happen in one day, nor did I suddenly get a realisation that I was in love. It just . . .happened, and here I am, shamelessly baring my heart to you." She smiled at a dumbfounded Oskino hopefully. "Also your prolonged silence is making me rather self conscious right now. I would appreciate if you said something."

Oskino met her eye with great pain in his heart, and said "I . . . I am so, so sorry Catarina, that I have driven you to this state."

"Whatever do you mean?"

"The truth is, no one can love me. You wouldn't either, if you knew everything about me." Oskino answered shortly, turning his face away from her.

"Jack," she began in a soothing voice. "I know you are haunted by something that happened in your past. I know you're confused about your powers and parentage, but starting to believe that no one could possible love you is a whole new level of absurdity. I for one, don't care about your past, about whether you are a mundane or a warlock, or what supernatural abilities you possess. I will always keep loving you."

"I doubt." He bowed his head low and mumbled. Louder, he said "At any case, it doesn't matter, because I cannot bring myself to love anyone else right now." Not after what I did to the one person I loved, he thought. I don't deserve the right to love or be loved - the monster that I am.

"So you believe in the Herondale's motto too? That to love is to destroy?" Catarina questioned, now developing a skeptical tone.

"Perhaps I do. Or perhaps I believe that I've become a monster - undeserving and incapable of love."

Catarina's face dropped in undisguised heartbreak. She swallowed the rising bile in her throat, looked at his face - haunted and distressed - for some seconds, and then quickly turned away and busied herself in setting up the apparatus for opening up a Portal.

"I'm sorry." He whispered again.

"Oh, don't be." Catarina replied without looking at him. "You're the one who believes no one can love him and that he cannot love anyone. I feel sorry for you."

And when Oskino stepped into Los Angeles, he realised that it wasn't one heart that broke that night. He sat on the curb, buried his face in his palms and sighed. "Oh, what have I done?" He whispered to himself. Why, why why? Why did he end up destroying everyone he cared about? Maybe, to love is to destroy.

A warm, gentle billow of wind brushed against his arm - as if in an attempt to comfort him. When Oskino looked up, all he saw was a streak of dark grey fumes. A vague face appeared in between the fumes, but so briefly that Oskino couldn't be sure.

A/N: Took SuwethaArriane 's advice, got my ass on a chair and started typing.
So (I'm kinda unsure, so) .... what did you think? Should Oskino and Catarina have a romantic relationship? Like, ever?
Also, now that Oskino's IN Los Angeles . . . . *smile widening* You know who else is in Los Angeles... But, thats for the next chapter (mind: which will be released 4 months later Me: shut up!) But till then, adios amigos!