𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐇 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐒 𝐁𝐄𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 || 𝐃𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫

Chapter 45 ~ I'm Bad At Love

Note: Couldn't think of a GIF so enjoy the song for the end of the chapter ;)

When Dean got back later that night, I was sitting at Bobby's desk, doing research for a new case I'd stumbled across. Sam was somewhere around, probably reading a book. And Bobby had turned in for the night hours ago but secretly, I knew he'd sneaked a bottle of whiskey and a Tori Spelling book up to his room. Dean was avoiding me, though. He didn't even say a word to me when he got in, just high-tailed it to the junkyard where Bobby had all his cars to work on the Impala. Sam went out to go talk to his brother - I assumed about what we'd chatted about earlier - so I followed him out the back door, hiding behind cars as I went so he wouldn't spot me.

But what I overheard, afterward, I wish I hadn't. Sam walked over to him, handing his brother a beer bottle and Dean shot him a smile in thanks before taking it from his outstretched hand. Popping the bottle, he downed the liquid before sighing. Sam stared at Dean but he wouldn't meet his gaze.

"So she told you, huh?" he asked, voice gruff like usual.

Sam nodded, crossing his arms over his chest, "Why have you been seeing Lisa?"

Dean barked out a humorless laugh before putting the bottle up to his lips once more, "Million dollar question, huh, Sammy?"

"Just answer the question, Dean," Sam demanded.

He drank a moment before resting the bottle on the trunk of Baby, leaning against as he shook his head in silence.

"I don't know...I love Parker, I do, but...I just can't get Lisa out of my head. I guess that's what happens when you care about someone for so long," he confessed and I felt my chest tighten at his words, "I don't know what to do... I love Parker but...I love Lisa, too..."

And just like that, in that one simple moment, hot tears came pouring out of my eyes, trickling down my cheeks. Spinning on my heel and not even being careful so the boys wouldn't hear me, I raced out of the junkyard and back to the house. Bounding up the stairs to my room, I slammed the door shut and fell onto the bed. I squeezed my eyes shut to keep the tears from falling anymore but it only made them fall faster. Finally, I reached out a hand and pressed a button on my radio, making it hum to life with a familiar beat. And as it played, I sunk deeper into the blankets, letting them almost smother me.

"Got a boy back home in Michigan and it tastes like Jack when I'm kissing him..." Halsey sang and I cried harder, reminded instantly of what it felt like to kiss Dean.

"So I told him that I never really liked his friends, now he's gone and he's calling me a b**** again," the song continued, the radio censoring the word.

Thoughts swirled in my head of when I'd told him I didn't like his friendship with Lisa and how mad he'd gotten at me for it.

"There's a guy that lives in a garden state and he told me that we make it 'til we graduate..."

My mind went to Hal then and instantly, I felt guilty for using him like I had. He was such a sweet boy and I stayed with him for so long, knowing in my heart I didn't love him.

"So I told him the music would be worth the wait but he wants me in the kitchen with a dinner plate..."

But Hal hadn't wanted me to stay in the hunting business forever, instead wanting me to be the kind of girl that would be waiting on him for food when he got back from his 9-to-5.

"I believe, I believe, I believe, I believe...that we're meant to be..."

I belonged with Dean. We were soulmates and I knew we were meant to be together...so why was this happening to us?

"But jealousy, jealousy, jealousy, jealousy...get the best of me..."

Maybe it was my fault. I kept getting jealous over all the girls who wanted to date Dean, flirting with him on every case we went on. Especially lately with this whole Lisa thing.

"Look, I don't mean to frustrate but I always make the same mistakes, yeah, always make the same mistakes 'cause..."

But we both just kept making the same mistakes over and over. I kept letting it get to me and Dean kept getting jealous, too. Every time things were going good, one of us would mess up and say something or do something and then we'd be right back were we started. Always making the same mistakes...

"I'm bad at love, ooh-ooh..."

I let out a strangled sob, burying my face in my covers as the tears flowed freely now. It was my fault, all my fault. I never could let anyone in and look where it had gotten me. I was losing Dean.

"But you can't blame me for tryin', you know I'd be lyin' sayin'..."

But I tried! I tried so hard to make it work. And no matter what I'd do, it felt like our relationship was just doomed to fail.

"You were the one, ooh-ooh..."

Yet, Dean had always been the one. The one that was there for me, loved me, cared for me. He had always been there...

"That could finally fix me, lookin' at my history..."

Eventually, he'd even accepted my witch mother and demon father. He'd accepted my history completely, not blinking an eye.

"I'm bad at love... I know that you're afraid I'm gonna walk away each time the feeling fades, each time the feeling fades... You know I'm bad at love..."

I was terrified though that eventually, Dean's feelings for me would fade. And he'd leave me for Lisa. In the end, I guess I was just bad at love...