Randomness of the Queen: Zweiter Teil

Anxiety

Here's the Queen's weakness. Use it against me. Idgaf. It wouldn't be the first time.

I have an anxiety disorder, and it gets really old when ppl say "I get it; me, too." No, you don't get it. It's not the same for any two ppl on this whole fucking planet.

Plus, my anxiety isn't really the one that gets me the worst. I mean, it does, but not as bad as the other disorder I have.

Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia

If you don't know what it is, here:

"The DSM has two criteria for the diagnosis of agoraphobia: fear of being in places that would be difficult or embarrassing to get out of if you had a panic attack and avoidance of places or situations where you fear you might have a panic attack, or experiencing great distress in such places."

That's the easiest explanation. If you need more, google it yourself.

Anyway, back to me...because this is my book, which means everything really is about me.

I tried and tried and tried to control it on my own, without having to see a dr and take prescribed meds. Trust me, I did. However, when you get to the point that you don't even want to leave your room, much less your house, it's time for help.

Without medication I have several small anxiety attacks every single day and several large panic attacks every single week. With medication that number dwindles down to a few small anxiety attacks per week and only a handful of panic attacks within a span of a few mos, and that's only in extreme situations.

I was also diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Again, if you don't know what it is, here:

"BDD is a body-image disorder characterized by persistent and intrusive preoccupations with an imagined or slight defect in one's appearance. But for someone with BDD, the flaw is significant and prominent, often causing severe emotional distress and difficulties in daily functioning."

I despise having to look in a mirror. The only mirrors in my house are the two in either bathroom, and the one in my bathroom is covered. I despise having to take pics or having someone taking a pic of me. I've battled an eating disorder since I was 12yo. I'm obsessed with counting every single calorie that goes into my body, including anything I drink, and I calculate how much I have to work out or run to work off those calories. I run every single day and spend two hrs at the gym no less than four days a wk.

Sometimes I think what makes it all worse is having this stupid fucking girl brain that likes to pop up and scream insane things at me. If they could do a lobotomy to remove that part, I'd probably have it done. I'm not lying.

I hate it...all of it. I hate myself. Sometimes I hate my fucking life. I hate that I can't control any of this on my own. I'm not gonna lie and sugarcoat shit since I'm being so open and sharing this with y'all, which I may greatly regret at a later time simply because I've learned that opening up and sharing shit with ppl is a recipe for disaster.

So there it is. Love me; hate me. I seriously have no fucks to give either way. I know the only thing that matters at the end of my life is that I am the one who gave a fuck about myself.

Maybe one day I will.