Breakfast In Bed

Honesty Isn't Always Easy

"Well..." Alyssa began. "You know that I was practicing with Nicole to get ready for SheBelieves – she has tournament experience and isn't who-knows-where hiding in the wilderness with chickens like Hope. We were working on some basic shot stopping. I..." Alyssa swallowed loudly. This wasn't easy for her to talk about. She wasn't proud of her behavior.

"You what sweetheart?" Becky probed gently, carding her hand through Alyssa's soft locks.

"I was a bitch to Barnie. She was trying to help out, being a nuisance and all in front of goal, and I snapped at her. Repeatedly." The words were bitter in Alyssa's mouth. She despised that she treated Barnie the way she did when the older goalkeeper was only trying to help her.

"That doesn't sound like you. There must have been a reason."

"Yeah...when I snapped at her for the umpteenth time she stopped and asked me if I wanted to talk. I reluctantly agreed and we plopped down on the field." Alyssa sighed and buried her face further into Becky's chest. She did not want to continue, but she knew she had too. Becky was her rock to lean on through it all – Alyssa needed to heed Barnie's advice and stop trying to do it all on her own. If only her damn pride would get out of the way. The blonde didn't push. Now that Alyssa had started to open up, she knew the rest would come out when her fiancé figured out how she wanted to say it. She kept carding her hand through Alyssa's hair, trying to provide any measure of comfort.

"It all boils down to...well to my self-confidence. I don't believe in myself anymore." Alyssa reoriented herself so that her ear was over Becky's heart as she spoke. The steady beat gave her the confidence to keep talking. "In college, it was easy. I was getting called up to the youth teams. I could see the path forward and if I worked hard enough, trained hard enough, played well enough, I could get there. So that is what I did and that is what happened. Then it was playing for Boston. That was going to be my path to the full national team. But the league folded. So, I went to Potsdam. That was going to change my game and push me to that next level. We got so close to winning Champion's League. I could see the growth in myself and in my game. Then the NWSL started up and I was ready to come back to the states. I loved Germany, but it wasn't home. So, I went back to Boston. And through all the rough games there, I knew that I was getting that experience. I was starting to get invited to train with the national team. Not consistently, but once you taste it you want more. Not to mention it gave me the perfect reason to see you. Boston gave me the chance to face so many shots and situations. I had to grow to learn how to handle it. All that hard work seemed to pay off. I got my first cap with the national team. I was training under Hope. It was everything I had wanted."

"Then Chicago traded for me. That was supposed to be the change in things. I was going to have an easier path to stay in the running in the National Team. I was with a winning team, a team that had been built to compete for championships. But that didn't help me get playing time. Ash and I both got pity minutes when Hope needed a rest. Jill didn't seem to notice the hard work or the level of play we were achieving. She was going to play Hope until the day Hope couldn't take the field." The younger woman couldn't keep the bitterness from her voice. She was friends with Hope and admired everything the goalkeeper could do. But she still wanted to play more than a meaningless friendly against a low ranked team. Hope wouldn't be able to play forever, for one reason or another, and neither her nor Ash was getting prepared for that role adequately.

"But it things did change." Becky countered softly. "You were happier in Chicago. Happier than I had ever seen you. You bonded with a team and really fit in with them, especially when Ragamuffin got traded there. Your game did improve. Maybe not in the shot stopping aspect, but in organizing defenses and shutting down potential problems before they became actual problems. Jill noticed that. You got chosen to the Olympics instead of Ash. I know you didn't get to start, but sweetheart you were over the moon when you got that phone call from Jill." Becky could still remember the moment. She was Face-Timing her girlfriend when Jill called. Alyssa had unapologetically hung up on her to answer it. When she Face-Timed Becky again 15 minutes later, she was absolutely beaming and there were tears of joy in her eyes. The defender wanted to be there to hug and congratulate her goalkeeper for the success, but settled for sharing a celebratory drink over video.