Prayers of the damned

2016

Dear whoever is listening,

I wish to forget him. I wish to forget his lies and his deceit. I wish to forget his eyes and his laugh. I wish to forget the hurt and the betrayal. The way he smiles and the way his mouth moves. The way he destroyed every part of me and turned me in to nothing. The way he said my name and the way he hugged me. I wish to forget him. Every good part and every bad. I want to remember nothing about him. Not his family. Not the way he smelled. Not how great he seemed to be. I want to forget how much he hurt me. How he lied and didn't care. I want to forget how he was so selfish. Only caring about himself and what he wanted. He never was there for me. When I was always there for him. For anyone else he would do anything. But for me he would do nothing. I was nothing. I am nothing. He would only care about himself. He would tell me he was tired so he couldn't see me, but he'd spend hours somewhere "tired" and then drive home. He would come up with excuse constantly. His actions showed me how he truly felt. He felt nothing for me. I was just the person who was there when he'd run out of other people to talk to. I was just the body he used when he felt lonely. I was nothing. Hours I would spend crying and he wouldn't care. He caused me so much pain and suffering. I just wanted to be good enough for him. But I never was. How could I be. I put my all into him until I was empty. And I got nothing in return. I got excuses and nothing more. I got tossed to the side. And made out to feel like my feelings were not valid or important. Because he didn't care about them. I was made to be the fool. Who would love a girl who is empty inside. Who would pour love into someone who is so desperate for it. Who would love someone so fucked up and untrusting. Who would love someone who yearns for the love she gave away to everyone. I get why he didn't try with me. Because I didn't see the point in trying with me either. I didn't see the point in loving myself. I didn't see why I would be enough for anyone. I didn't see why anyone would love me. So I understand why he didn't. I understand why he didn't try. Why he didn't care. And I'm just mad at myself for thinking that this time would be different. For thinking that I was worth anything this time. I'm mad at myself for letting myself believe I could be loved. That I could be enough. That someone would try for me. But I'm not.