Prayers of the damned

Why

Why do I always fuck everything up. Given I don't fuck it up when it's going well. But why do I have to be so destructive. Why do I always have to be in control. Why the fuck am I like this. Fucking help me to see why I'm like this. Fucking tell me what to do. What am I supposed to do. What's going to be the best for him. What's going to be the best thing for me. What the hell am I supposed to do. I don't even want to leave my room. I have school later tonight and I don't fucking know how to even get up out of bed. Every time my phone vibrates I jump thinking it's him. But it never is. And I don't blame him. It doesn't matter what comes next. Because I'm not going to be that person anymore. It doesn't matter what he does because I am not going to hurt him. I am not going to do this to him again. It doesn't matter what he says or does, I will cry about it alone in my room and let it go once the tears stop. I will let him go. I will do whatever he wants me to do. I will be the strong person he needs. Whether that's to stay or leave. I will not self destruct again. Because although it hurts you, it also hurts him. And he needs to be done hurting. He deserves to be done hurting.