Time Is The Key To Everything

Chapter 21: Better To Be Loved

"Cassidy."

It seemed so odd to hear that voice now. After being locked in a prison for so long, his smooth voice was now brittle. When she and Paul were escorted far from James's land, they immediately treated his many injuries. Cassidy refused to take off her gloves; She did not want to see her own fingers stained with James's blood.

Cassidy turned wearily to him, her eyes glazed with tiredness. She could not bring herself to sleep after they had escaped. It seemed unnatural to her now. How was she able to go to sleep peacefully?

"Are you all right?" Paul asked concernedly. Cassidy nodded and looked away. The horses were trotting slowly enough for conversation, but she wished that they would quicken their pace. She wanted to go back home and forget everything that had happened.

"Did you get hurt?" asked Paul.

"No." Cassidy said quietly. "I stayed by the wall like you said. The fire didn't reach me." She regretted the emptiness in her voice. She truly rejoiced that Paul was safe now, but at what costs? Did it have to reach that point?

"When you were with James..." Paul began carefully. "Did he—?"

"He didn't hurt me." Cassidy admitted, her heart sinking lower and lower as she spoke. "I'm fine. I'm—I'm completely all right."

An awkward silence filled in between them, with only the sound of horse hooves clawing the loam. Paul reached out to take her hand, but she jerked away immediately. She was afraid that somehow Paul could feel James' blood on her hands and know what she had done. Paul resignedly let his hand fall to his side, crestfallen and confused.

"You…probably think I'm monstrous, don't you?" Paul said softly. His face was filled with genuine sorrow, which made Cassidy hurt even more.

"I don't." Cassidy said slowly, though her tongue felt heavy as she spoke. "It was—" She didn't want to say 'necessary' because it was too much. "It got you out. That was the entire purpose in the first place."

Paul knew Cassidy too well. He could sense the hesitation and reluctance in her, but could not pinpoint any other reason except what he believed was wariness and anger toward him for his violence.

"I'm the monster, anyway." Cassidy murmured. Paul turned confusedly at her.

"How can you say that?"Paul said perplexedly.

Cassidy didn't answer immediately. For some reason, she couldn't dare tell Paul about James. What if he turned away from her after finding out what act of violence she had done? So many questions were flooding her mind. Where was James now? Was he dying?

Don't be stupid, Cassidy! she scolded herself. Countries can't die as easily as humans.

But what if another country had murdered—?

"Paul, what would make you hate me?" Cassidy blurted out suddenly.

"What?" Paul exclaimed, absolutely bemused. Cassidy didn't look at him, only keeping her eyes forward.

"What would make you hate me?" Cassidy repeated, raising her voice.

Paul, still puzzled from Cassidy's question, shook his head. "Nothing ever would."

Cassidy gave a weak chuckle in spite of herself. "But I hate myself."

"What are you talking about?" Paul asked, baffled.

Cassidy bit her lip, her mouth feeling extremely dry and sticky. "I don't know how to explain it." There was so much guilt inside her for so many reasons; for stabbing James after pretending to be allies with him, for growing close to Paul's enemy, for acting so miserable and cold after freeing Paul and getting everything she wished—