Time After Time

Permanent Pain

When Mitch’s eyes opened, it was the early evening. He was surprised to see that Scott was awake – usually, when one had fallen asleep in the past, the other would take a nap too. The brunette carefully sat up, and watched as Scott began to stretch out his arm.

“Hello, sleeping beauty,” the baritone chuckled.

“Hi,” Mitch said, a light blush dancing over his cheeks.

“You know, I wasn’t expected you to be crushing my arm for four hours,” Scott grinned. Mitch felt the words sting deep to his core, but managed to fake a smiled.

“Four hours?” he managed, unsure of what else he could as his mind began to hurl insults at him once again. He really needed to lose some more weight. He needed to make sure that he couldn’t crush Scott, or it might make him mad. He really didn’t want to make the older man mad; Scott was a lot taller and stronger than him – he’d break within seconds.

“Yeah, but I got the video edited, so it’s fine. It didn’t take long,” Scott smiled, but his words only made Mitch feel even more useless. He couldn’t help edit a video, he was too fat and he was an irritating little shit that was too good at pretending to be okay. He genuinely hated himself, and he wanted to hate Scott for being so nice. He didn’t deserve it. He really didn’t deserve someone as nice and kind as Scott. Scott was amazing and talented, and he was just a heavy weight dragging everyone down.

“Can I see?” Mitch asked finally, trying to hide his disappointment. He’d really wanted to help out, just to prove to himself that he could at least do something, even if it was terrible. Scott nodded and grabbed the laptop from beside him. He handed it to the countertenor, who then set it down on his own lap and pressed play. Mitch couldn’t stop the corners of his mouth from turning upwards, despite his sadness. The trio looked as if they’d never had so much fun, pelting one another with food and squealing. Around halfway through, they began to set one another challenges, such as: who had the best aim (Scott), who could slide furthest across the floor (Kirstie) and who could have the most food thrown at them whilst still serving face (Mitch, obviously). Mitch had, by the end of the video, started to laugh, a large smile on his face.

“You like it?” Scott questioned, smiling slightly.

“Yeah. You were right – I would have fucked that up if I’d touched it,” the younger man attempted to joke, but Scott could see straight through the smile.

“No, you wouldn’t. Baby, please, stop doubting yourself. You’re amazing,” Lies, Mitch thought as the tears started to form, “You’re talented,” More lies, “And you’re gorgeous.”

“Stop lying. Stop lying!” Mitch yelled, the sudden raise in volume causing Scott to jump slightly, clearly started. The baritone watched his boyfriend with a shocked and hurt expression, before the hurt faded into concern.

“I’m not, baby. I promise you that I’m not. I wish – I wish I could’ve protected you from them... It still hurts you, doesn’t it?” the blonde whispered, cupping his cheek and using his thumb to wipe away a few of the countertenor’s tears. Mitch found that he was unable to speak, and instead he just stared at his boyfriend as if he were a deer caught in Scott-shaped headlights. He watched the way the taller man’s blue eyes filled with tears and he felt instantly guilt. Scott wasn’t supposed to know. Scott wasn’t supposed to know about any of it. Now there would be questions that he didn’t want to answer and he’d have to go through each and every single one of those painful memories. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t tell Scott what had been said, or what had been done. Mitch could see that his boyfriend did care and so he knew that it would break the blonde to hear it.

“I’m sorry,” the brunette finally whispered, tears pouring from his red-rimmed eyes. Scott pressed his lips to Mitch’s pair and pulled him close.

“I realized earlier, Mitchie, and I want you to know that I’m here for you, I care and I won’t hurt you,” Scott spoke softly into the younger man’s ear, “I won’t hurt you,” he repeated.

“I’m sorry,” Mitch said again. He was sorry that he couldn’t bring himself to believe what Scott was saying. He believed that Scott was there for him, and he knew that Scott cared. But he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t hurt the smaller man. No one could promise that, because even when it has been promised, it’s always been broken. And Mitch believed that it always would be broken. It was the promise that no one was able to keep. Mitch would always end up hurt – but that was okay. Besides, he deserved it.