Time After Time

Lost and Lonely

Mitch had no idea where he was heading to – all he knew was that he had to keep running. He was panting, gasping for breath, feeling dizzy and exhausted, but he forced himself to keep on moving forward. His thoughts span and spiralled, chasing each other around in his head. All he could think about was how he shouldn’t trust humans. Humans were dirty, filthy liars that were only out to make themselves look better, or to earn money. They were greedy and selfish and didn’t deserve the opportunities that they made of themselves through their undesirable traits. They were, in fact, unaware of these traits, and lived their lives blissfully unaware of how disgusting they really were. They were all just deceitful and hateful and Mitch hated each and every single one. He gripped the flesh on the back of his right hand between a finger and a thumb and pinched hard, letting out a shuddery breath as his mind registered the pain.  He grabbed the skin again, this time harder as the tears slowly made their journey down his cheeks. The brunette knew that they would leave unsightly bruises, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He was just like the rest of the humans. He only wanted to make himself into the bets person he could be. He wanted to be the thinnest, the most attractive, the one everyone wanted. He didn’t want to be alone. He hated being alone – it terrified him. Slowly, it dawned on him that he was out by himself, and it had grown dark. Suddenly filled with panic, he wiped his face and slowed his speed – he didn’t want to draw attention to himself, or else people would realize that he was vulnerable and they would take advantage of him because humans were disgusting pigs that were so full of hate and ignorance that they ended up hating themselves.

Mitch hated being human, he hated his human traits. He wanted to be able to love himself as he was without having to use money and fame to boost his confidence. He wanted to be able to be loved for who he was on the inside, not for who he was trying to be on the outside, but, at the same time, he wanted to be attractive. For a moment, he felt like an outsider looking in on his own life, and he realized that he had people that loved him because he was Mitch Grassi, and not because he was designer labels, skin and bones and perfect hair. But, within an instant, that mindset had faded, and was once again replaced with the belief that all humans were liars. They were lying. They were pretending like good actors in a show that the countertenor couldn’t recall auditioning for. His life had become a play – a piece of spontaneous improvisation on his part and everyone else around him had a script that they had memorized. Everyone else knew how events were supposed to unfold, but Mitch did not. Rain began to drip down from above, mingling with the brunette’s salty tears, and so the short man slipped into an alleyway and cowered at the side of it, trying to both shelter himself and hide. He didn’t want to be near the lying pigs. They would only take advantage of his weaknesses and hurt him.

He wanted to go back to his exes and hear them spit their words again. He just wanted to hear the truth again. He knew he was fat – he could see that just by looking at his reflection. He knew he was ugly, but he could begin to improve that by losing weight. He knew he couldn’t sing, so why did he bother? He knew he was only wanted for sex, and eventually, Scott would get bored of him, just like the rest had. And then the blonde would begin to hurt him – to beat him daily. At least it would save me from doing it myself, Mitch thought bitterly, letting out a quiet, desperate laugh. He was used to being treated as a punching bag, he was used to being pinned to a bed and being fucked hard by drunken men that didn’t give a fuck if Mitch was in pain or not. He couldn’t understand why Scott appeared to want to do neither of these things.

It was then that a thought crossed Mitch’s mind. Scott did want these things, and that was why Scott was so afraid. The baritone clearly didn’t want anyone finding out about all of the things that he so desperately wanted to do to Mitch and so instead he broke down. It all made such perfect sense in Mitch’s mind. Instead of being terrified of the pain, Mitch was instead afraid of losing Scott. He’d happily do anything to keep Scott. His thoughts span around and around, rotating at a bizarre angle that sent them all flying until they collided with each other. Mitch had a headache, and he was shaking, but he wasn’t sure if that was from the rain that had now soaked him, or from his mind. He just wanted it all to stop. He hugged his legs to his chest and rested his forehead on his knees.

The bruises on his hand were beginning to show, but Mitch wanted to make another to try and quieten his thoughts. He was so afraid of being alone – he felt so lost without his friends, even if he couldn’t trust them. Or, at least, he couldn’t trust Scott. For some reason that Mitch couldn’t comprehend, he trusted Kirstie completely, and was fairly certain that he could at least partially trust Kevin and Avi. He knew that Kirstie had only been telling him what she thought he would want to hear – she meant well by it. Avi and Kevin had been so supportive earlier; they’d been so nice.

When Mitch began to think of Scott again, he let out a deep breath. He couldn’t understand whether he trusted him or not. He knew that Scott was scared, and, trying to give his boyfriend the benefit of the doubt, he tried to think of another reason for the blonde’s fear, but he didn’t know why on earth such a strong man could be scared. Maybe Scott didn’t trust Mitch either? The brunette was confused. He knew, however, that he was just as bad as every other human. He too had lied, he was obsessed with being attractive and he wanted more than he could have. He, just like the rest, was obsessed with excess and he knew it. He knew it... so maybe other humans were aware of their own traits too?

The countertenor found himself quickly growing more and more confused. His ideas were whirling around in his head; they were drowning in masses of grey storm clouds. He wanted to go home and curl up in Scott’s arms. He wanted to kiss Scott, to hold Scott. He wasn’t ready to be fucked by the blonde, but he wasn’t sure he’d ever be. He wanted Scott to make love to him, to treat him well, but he had to accept that that wasn’t a possibility. It would never happen because Mitch was nothing more than an untalented overweight slut. His stomach growled, alerting him to how hungry he really was, and he let out a sob that he’d been fighting back. He wanted to eat – he loved food – but he couldn’t. There was no way that eating was a possibility.

The rain poured down on the brunette’s back, but Mitch ignored it and delicately ran his fingers over the back of his right hand, caressing the bruises that were forming. He didn’t want to go back to this – he didn’t want to go back to hurting himself to make himself feel something other than sadness, but he’d found that he had run out of options. He was ruining everything. He was fucking up Pentatonix, he was fucking up his friendships, and, worst of all, he was fucking up Scott. He was doing something, somehow, that was upsetting Scott. The cold didn’t bother him at all as he cried, rain drops dancing over his neck, his clothing sticking to his skin.

He stayed in the alleyway, feeling that he’d be safer there than he would anywhere else – besides, he no longer had neither the strength nor the willpower to move, even though, deep down, he wanted to go home. He felt safe with Scott. Why wasn’t Scott with him? He was so puzzled, and absolutely nothing made sense to him. He hated humans, yet he loved them. This bizarre ambivalence only confused him further. Scott was, somehow, the only thing that made sense to him. Despite everything, despite his doubts, Scott was the only thing he felt that he needed. And that terrified him. He’d never felt this way about someone – he’d never felt so strongly. But, how could he know if the baritone felt the same when he couldn’t believe a word he said?

Mitch decided that he needed an explanation; he needed to know what was terrifying Scott. And he needed his friends to back the blonde up. Maybe, then, Mitch could trust his boyfriend. Because, really, all he wanted was to trust Scott. No, all he wanted was Scott.