Time After Time

Midnight Search Party

Mitch was trying to find patterns in the blank ceiling in a pitiful attempt to distract himself from himself. His brain wanted to point out all of his flaws and echo them through his head, but all he wanted to do was sleep. Just staying awake for an entire day took so much effort and energy out of the countertenor and left him feeling so exhausted, but he still couldn’t sleep. It was utterly ridiculous and he found it so frustrating.

He wanted to feel happy, to feel safe – really, he did – but it seemed like an impossibility. The closest he could get to it was the foreign feeling that ran through him when he was with Scott – a feeling that, Mitch then realized, was probably happiness after all. That scared Mitch. It felt good to feel that way, but it also felt terrifying and strange. He wasn’t used to having boyfriends treat him nicely, and snuggle with him on the couch as they watched Spongebob. He was used to fists and forceful thrusts and large doses of pain followed by large doses of painkillers, and a lot of makeup to cover the visible bruises. He almost wanted Scott to throw a fist at his face and scream expletives at him because he knew how that felt, and he needed something familiar. Scott was familiar, but everything else was so new and Mitch wasn’t too sure that he wanted to experience it. Is this what it’s like to be in a normal relationship? he asked himself, and another part of his brain promptly responded. You’ll never know what a normal relationship is like. No one wants damaged goods, his brain then echoed those harsh words, and Mitch felt the tears sting. He wanted to be beautiful, he wanted to be the perfect man for Scott, but he could never be that. He had scars on his legs and his brain was a mess. Who the fuck would want you? Scott’s only pretending to care; he’ll hurt you like the rest, his brain continued to batter the poor man, who just lay there with tears streaming down his cheeks. He remembered the bruises that were covering his hands and found himself wanting to add more, but he couldn’t. If he moved, he might accidently wake Scott up, and that would only make him feel worse about himself.

Mitch wanted to fully trust his boyfriend – he loved Scott and he literally owed his life to the blonde and, during the day, Mitch was close to being able to completely trust the baritone. However, when he was stuck with his thoughts as the late night drifted on, he could trust no one. He was alone and he hated being alone. He was a danger to himself when he was alone, but he was poison to other when he was around them. Mitch knew that there was a way out of this situation, but that stomach full of pills hadn’t killed him last time, and he knew that it must’ve been hard for his friends – especially Scott. It’s your fault that he freaks out all the time. You wanted to kill yourself and instead you killed him, Mitch’s brain screamed out, and the fragile countertenor had to bite his lip hard to stop himself from letting out a scream. He wanted to cover his ears, but that wouldn’t stop his brain from hurling insults at him twenty-four-motherfucking-seven. Mitch just wanting some respite, but it seemed that he couldn’t even be given that. He wasn’t surprised, though. He was slowly sucking away at everyone else life around him because he was so lost. He wanted to look over at Scott. A part of his brain, a small, rational part, told him that Scott could find him, that Scott would find him and that the tall blonde would bring him home. With Scott, Mitch felt as if he were home. But, even when they went to bed, Mitch was dragged back down into the deep dark depths of his obnoxious and pathetic brain and there was no escaping from the metal cage that was keeping him in. He felt trapped, he felt smothered. He also felt that Scott held the key.

 

As Mitch’s thoughts began to slip into how much he admired Scott, the sound of panicked breaths filled the room. Mitch was struck with a sudden paralysis, unable to move due to the fear that was now tying him down to the bed. Scott was hurting again, and Mitch didn’t know what to do. He stared, eyes wide, at the ceiling and hoped that Scott would be able to help himself, because Mitch wasn’t sure he’d be of any use again – fresh tears had start to form in his now-closed brown eyes, and his bottom lip was quivering. It was his fault. For once, something his brain was telling him was making some degree of sense, and that terrified him. Scott was broken because Mitch had scarred him. Mitch had freaked him out and now Scott couldn’t handle being around Mitch. But because he didn’t want to hurt Mitch, Scott was staying with the brunette and now Mitch’s head was starting to hurt from the thinking. It felt like a herd of stampeding elephants had made their way through his head multiple times. He opened his eyes, finally coming back to reality from his brain that had once again kidnapped him from an important situation, and was faced with silence.

Mitch could feel that Scott was still in the bed, but he wasn’t sure if that made his uneasiness fade at all. He didn’t want to make Scott unhappy. But, he knew he’d be unhappy without Scott. Fuck, could he even live without Scott? But... if he attempted again, what would happen to Scott? There were too many options and too many possibilities and all Mitch wanted was for his brain to shut the fuck up and allow him to get some sleep. He shifted carefully under the blankets, moving in a way that would make it seem as though he were asleep, and kept his hands in a position where he could easily pinch at the skin. Within a few minutes, he’d pinched his hands, and all the way up both wrists. He didn’t want to die. He really didn’t. He just wanted himself and Scott to be happy.