Journal Of Gwen Stacy

Page three: The Closet And The Fray

Journal Entry #3

Do you understand how it feels to lose two of the largest pillars in your life? Two individuals who in different ways shaped who you are as a person. Your ambitions, dreams, and fears come from the way that they interacted with you and were such a large part of your everyday life. To say you feel lost doesn't give justice to the amount of tears, self loathing, and loneliness that follows losing them.

Yet, when you lose a person to death at least you know deep down that in time the pain will fade. The joyful memories will outlast the pain from their absence. As I have been told you will slowly, but surely walk away from their death a stronger and more mature person. I took this advice with a grain of salt, but as the days passed after my Dads funeral I have been feeling myself come back to normalcy little by little. Whether it's been not feeling dread every time I hear a cop car; or the fact that my fellow peers have stopped giving condolences and have been giving me the normal hello.

Now I'm not saying that losing my Dad has been or will ever be easy, but at least if it had just been him I would have been able to grieve like a normal person and come out the other side stronger. LikeI alluded to before, I didn't lose just one pillar of my life.. I lost another who was just as important. The guy that was supposed to be there for me! He was supposed to come rushing over after I left five voicemails that my Dad had died. How was I supposed to deal with this without Peter? I had to be the comforting shoulder for my Mom, the parental figure for my brothers, and the caring ear for them all. No one came to my side other than with the flipping "I'm sorry for your loss," or "How is your family handling this?"

I understand that I come off as strong and adaptive, but didn't anyone even care what I was going through? Oh no. Let Gwen Stacy just sit there and deal with it, she'll be fine! God..

That felt good to get out.. even for the second time. Yes the second time, the first had to do when I pulled Peter into a janitors closet after the AP exam.. I will get to that event in a second.

When I had realized Peter wasn't going to pick up I had grabbed my coat that same day I had called. Running out of my building I took a cab over to his house to see what was going on. All I knew is that my father had been stabbed by that lunatic lizard Conner's and had been left for dead. Apparently they had found webbing on the roof so I knew Peter/Spiderman had been up there. I was too distraught to be angry that he hadn't come to me after the fight, I was worried and hurt that he hadn't come to me if he had been injured..

When I reached his door step I still remember the look of surprise, fear, and sadness that had graced his face. All I remember telling him was that my father's funeral had been that day, and asking him why he hadn't shown up. He just shakily said that he couldn't see me anymore, he couldn't deal with.. with US!

After figuring out my Dad had made him promise to stay away from me, what could I do? Peter had promised my dying father to protect me by staying away. I knew that I should feel proud that my Dad wanted nothing more than my safety and happiness, but Peter is my shot at happiness. He completes my know it all and snarky persona with his soft spoken sarcasm and cutely sly smile.

We can just sit for hours talking about new research that we had read about or a stupid comedy we had both inadvertently seen. I don't have to dumb down my speech or be cheery and smiley all the time with him, I can let my guard down and just sit and be there... I can just let go and stare at him as his eyes grow big telling a story, and I can't help but let out a dorky laugh because his expressions make whatever he says the most interesting story known to man. He listens to me and can actually give me a point of view that helps me open up my own way of thinking. Peter Parker is the other part of me, he is my perfect symbiosis.