Journal Of Gwen Stacy

Page 61 ; I'm Fine . .

Journal entry #61
You know when you drown you don't actually inhale until you actually black out - the instinct to not let any water in is so strong that you won't open your mouth until you feel like your heads exploding .

Then when you finally do let it in that's when it stops hurting . .

I'm fine -

I mean , yeah aside from the not sleeping , the jumpiness . . The constant overwhelming crushing fear that something terrible is about to happen .

It's called , hypervigilance , the persistent feeling of being under threat . It's not just a feeling though , it's . . It's like it's a panic attack . . You know , like i can't even breathe -

Like I'm drowning . .

It's like your screaming , and no one can hear . . You almost . . Feel . . Ashamed - no one will understand how much it hurts -

To see two people I care about so much get hurt - . You just feel hopeless - and there's nothing you can do -
Whenever I just see Pete or Jake on the news , getting attacked by someone . . I just want to fold up and stop . I want to drown - I don't wanna think about it -

I mean I know no one probably doesn't even understand . . They haven't been through what I have . The only one who actually cares I guess is MJ . . She rings a lot , she knows me too well . . Noticing what I'm actually feeling through my voice -

" what the hell is wrong with you ?"

I'm not doing great - in fact I can't remember the last time I felt this bad . It doesn't matter what I do . . . Or what I choose . .  the worry and the pain is still there .

And there's nothing I can do about it . . I'm so broken and guilty inside .

I feel bad - sorrow . . Mercy - every night when I lay in bed and turn over , wanting to be in Peters arms . . But there's no one there - I just . .

Nightmares,  more and more sleepless nights . I hurts so bad . . I cant breathe , I can't . .
And that's what I need . .
I just need , the pain to be gone

-Gwen

//open rp if u want . .