Maybe Forever | ✓

35 | dear elijah

35| dear elijah

I know this wasn't how it was supposed to be. It wasn't for the both of us. I know you love me very much. I'm sorry 'loved'. And I loved you a lot too. But I don't get that right anymore do I? I'm guessing you're reading this because you've looked at what was in those pen drives. But as narcissistic as this may sound I know you couldn't have watched the whole thing. No you loved me too much for that. But you probably watched like 5 seconds in order to get the gist of it right? A few weeks ago, I did it again. I cheated on you. There I said it. It wasn't planned and none of what those pen drives contained were planned either. I was drunk few weeks ago, I was panicking about last year, about what had happened to our former queen. I needed some distraction. So as usual Grey, Lisa and I went to the normal club we go to, Chelsea's. It happened unexpectedly and I'm sorry for that. But I can't take it back now. The same with the things in those pen drives. Did you know that you knew about the first incident, the sex tape, the first one as well. It was the first time I had cheated and me being the girl who was madly in love with you, I told you. But you didn't get mad. You forgave. You forgot. This is why the sayings goes 'forgive but don't forget.' But just like you even I forgot. Both of us, to be honest had kept on whispering a lie to ourselves. How do you become a good liar? By believing that the lie is the truth after all. That's what you and I did. And it happened again. But instead of telling you that time, I forgot about it.

You might be wondering how I, and you were able to forget something like this easily. Simple, we have way too many things on our minds. Eli, I know you're taking over the Z and Z hotel chain two years from now. Your sick mother, the one who you refused to see told me. Did you know I visited her in the hospital she was located in at London? It must've been a huge pressure for you, considering the fact that you've been handling school and training these days. No wonder you agreed to take a break from our daily lives last year. I've been busy wondering about what would happen if we were found out by anyone and I mean anyone about the accident last year. It could definitely be ruled as a homicide if we're not careful. And we would be responsible considering we were the candidates. And we all know the school motto. One link to that and our behavior is enough to set the law searching for us. I know it's not an excuse for cheating on you but trust me when I say I really did love you. I'm the kind of person who has a big heart and as you always say, emotional. That's why your heart wasn't enough for me to be satisfied. I think I realized that. My love is big that it needs to be given to other people as well, I can't reserve it only for you.

I know that this might seem really bad. But I hope we could be friends. Still. Or maybe not. Look, Eli you're too good for me. Your love for me is immense and you're just 17. If I told you to kill your self you would actually do it. Anything for me. I was sure of it. Now not anymore, considering you probably hate me because of the things I've done to you, mainly my infidelity.
I really don't think that it's healthy. Yes, you should love the person you're destined to be with, sadly that's not me. But you should always love yourself more. Even more so than the person you love. Because if you don't love yourself, how do you expect anyone else to? I really hope that you don't hate me for this.

I'm leaving for London again. To cool my head again a bit. I'm only saying goodbye to you. I should've said goodbye to the rest but I'm still a coward. I know it's sad. But I've realized that after last year I've distanced myself a bit from them. Me and Grey are not quite as close and Lisa and she is. We hardly hung out these few weeks. But nonetheless, I still love all of them. You may wish to read this letter to all of them if you like. Let them know how horrible I've been to you.

And Eli I know I already said this but I-never mind let me say all of this to you face to face. I'm still gonna sign my name just because even though this letter may never reach you or feel your touch.

really short but important chap! and damn an update so early I must be improving. Nah I doubt it. vote and comment if you enjoyed it :) or hated it. :)
-Din