His Way

A Very Bad Day- Chapter 6

By the time lunch rolled around, I was sitting by my brothers bedside in the hospital crying. I didn't care about being strong for him anymore. I couldn't stuff this one down.

"Why though? Why kill yourself? I know you're in pain, but what if they find something that works? What if it gets better?" I pleaded. 

"Elena, look at me. I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I didn't know it would hurt you this much," He said. I looked at him like he had insulted me. "I just thought-"

"No! You didn't think! How could you even say something like that to me?! Of course it would hurt me to lose you, you're all I have left! You're my brother, my twin, I love you! You don't get to choose to take that away from me!" I yelled at him, not caring one bit who heard. 

"I'm so sorry. I really wasn't trying to hurt you, Lena. I just didn't want to suffer anymore and it kills me that you're suffering because of my suffering. So now we're both suffering for what? When I'm just going to die a painful death anyways? I'd rather go out on my own terms." He said, tears running down his face. I was no longer even trying to stop my own tears from falling.

"I'm not suffering. Why would you even say that?" I asked in shock. 

"Oh come on, don't play dumb with me. It breaks your heart every time you see me like this. You try so hard to be strong for me when you really shouldn't have to. You have been taking care of me for years. You're always paying all of my medical bills, my car bill, the bill for my apartment and all of my utilities, my groceries, and the clothes on my back. If it weren't for me, you'd probably be living in your dream home by now. Shit, even I live in a better apartment than you. You have sacrificed your entire life for me, and I'm tired of it. Do you know how impressive you are? Working the job your working, being THAT successful at our age? And yet all of your success is redirected. You don't spoil yourself with anything, ever. Probably because you know that I'll always have another medical bill that's through the roof. It's just not fair, and I hate it. I hate always being such a burden and doing this to you. And I'm sorry, I know that you don't want me to die, but I can't help but think that you'd be better off with out me. Yeah it will hurt, yeah you'll miss me, but it will be a weight off of your shoulders." He wasn't crying anymore, and he spoke softly. At some point through all of that he had grabbed my hand, but I didn't feel it. I was numb. How could he even say those things to me? I didn't HAVE to sacrifice my life for him, I CHOSE to. I will continue to choose to every single day of our lives if I felt I needed to. The thing is, he is all I have. Sure, I have my dad. But our relationship is strained, to say the least. After mom died, he kind of went off the deep end, but that's a story for another day. 

"You're an idiot. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that it's easy, that it doesn't kill me to see you in so much pain all the time. But let me get one thing straight. I don't care about this alleged dream house that you've conjured up in that beautiful imagination of yours. I don't care about the rats in my apartment. I don't care that my washer is broken, and that my bed creaks anytime I move. I don't care about my old clothes, or about the fact that I share a wall with a drug dealer. I just don't care. What I care about, is you. YOU are what matters to me. I've never been materialistic. There's only two reasons I even pursued this type of career. One, I never wanted to be poor again. Two, I wanted to be able to support my family. That includes you. I never even had a dream house in mind, because I always planned on taking care of you instead. I wanted to do this. I want you to just focus on your health and not worry about finances. I'm not stressing over how much any of this costs. I've got the money for it, trust me. The only thing I ever stress over, is you. So if I lost you, I would be so lost and empty. I would be devastated and angry. Don't abandon me like that." I said, tears streaming down my face. He agreed that he would never do it again and that it was a mistake.