in the shadows · akutagawa ryunosuke x reader

m a d n e s s

madness (madnəs, noun) - the state of having a serious mental illness; a state of wild or chaotic activity. 

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I was standing in Yosano's hallway, breathing heavily and demanded an answer. The only thing that could be heard was the quiet ticking of the clock hanging on the wall next to me and light tapping of the water in the kitchen. Yosano was frozen in place, unable to form proper sentences.

"But how... How did you... Oh God..." she kept mumbling. Annoyed, I snapped at her with furrowed brows.

"Yosano will you finally tell me what the hell happened to me?!"

She looked at me with scared eyes and let her head down. Her hand traveled to her forehead as she sighed heavily.

"Your memories got modified." she said.

"I already know that. Tell me something else." I sighed.

"The doctor said it's a very risky process and it might not work in 100% but... Akutagawa insisted on doing this no matter what." Yosano looked at me with saddened expression.

"But why? Why would he want that?" I asked confused. I was tired of being the only one who's left uninformed.

"After you got shot he blamed himself. He kept saying it was his fault and he shouldn't have let you go back then... I didn't know what he meant." My friend shrugged. I knew what event he was reffering to. It was after I spoke to Atsushi and had many doubts. Akutagawa held my hand... but moments after he let go and I went home all in tears of frustration. Maybe that's what he meant. After that I talked with my mum, found out about her working in Port Mafia years ago and when I ran out of my house that's when Mark got me...

"He said he can't put you in danger anymore. We took you to the hospital. That's where Akutagawa asked about the way to erase or at least modify your memories. I thought he was being ridiculous but he said it was for your own good..." she kept talking and I noticed her voice broke down a couple of times. I didn't bother to wipe the tears that were pouring down my face. I let Yosano talk again.

"The doctor was sceptical at first, he explained the process is really risky and you could end up with some of your memories completely erased and some modified a bit. Without hesitation, Akutagawa agreed for the operation." she finished and sighed again. I looked down on the floor and let out a loud sob. I walked up to Yosano and before I could ask, she wrapped her arms around me and let me cry into her chest. She stroked my hair and tried to calm me down but I couldn't stop crying.

The fact Ryu thought he was the whole reason I got into such dangerous situations broke me apart. He decided to remove himself from my life, pretend like we've never met and act like strangers for the sake of my safety.

"Why... why would he... d-do that?" I said in between sobs.

"He loves you, [Y/N], that's why. I am almost sure you are the most important person to him and he puts you above anything else in life." Yosano whispered. He stopped hugging me and went to the kitchen, saying she's going to make some tea on the way. I gave myself some time to calm down. I took deep breaths but they didn't help as I was still shaking. I went to the kitchen and sat by the table. Yosano was still preparing the tea.

"Do you have any idea where he could be now?" I asked and leaned my head on the wall. Yosano shook her head as she gave me a warm cup of green tea and drank a huge sip of her own.