If Only

Twelve

Richie.
Oct. 1988

He sat at his desk, anxiously tapping his fingers against the gritty wood.

His eyes were fixed outside, on the puffy clouds that moved by at a gently pace, like molasses. He briefly wondered how such a beautiful place could be so full of agony and secrets.

But Richie's thoughts quickly returned to the pack of cigarettes that rested heavily in the pocket of his hoodie. It was as if the cancer sticks were taunting him, edging him to just skip class and go outside and chain-smoke until he couldn't feel anything.

He always did feel too much, even if the dark haired teen was good at hiding his feelings.

The teacher at the front of class frowned on and on about something Richie could care more about, but he still fixed his gaze on the window, only breaking it when he heard the bell ring.

Quickly, he pushed his notebook into his backpack and made his way quickly to the front of the room, wanting nothing more than to just get out of this hellhole called school.

"Tozier. Talk with me a moment."

Richie stopped just short of the door. In hindsight, he could have pretended he didn't hear his teacher, but then again, he'd already stopped so it was evident he did hear him.

Groaning inwardly, he turned and forced himself to walk over to the teacher's desk.

"Yes?" He asked through gritted teeth and a forced smile.

"Looks like your grade in this class is slipping, kiddo. I just thought it was a mistake at first, but I checked in with your other teachers and it seems like all of your grades are falling. You're a smart kid. Is there anything wrong?"

Richie didn't meet the mustached teacher's gaze, the deep gashes on his wrist and arm burning.

"Everything's fine."

Another forced smile.

The teacher looked skeptical but nodded. "Alright. If you ever need anything, my room is always open. Be safe, now."

Safe.

Richie bitterly thought about the word, turning it over in his head.

He just nodded and walked out of the classroom stiffly and outside into the cool air.

It was finally decent weather.

Richie could go outside and not sweat buckets.

He saw Bev waiting for him.

It seemed like Bev was the only one that would go around him nowadays.

Sometimes Richie forgot all about Pennywise. It wasn't hard.

All he had to do was forget about his friends. They sure seemed to forget about him.

Even Eddie slowly drifted away from him. And it fucking hurt.

It had now been 2 months exactly since the battle in the sewers.

"Hey, Rich." Bev greeted, giving him a warm smile. "How are you feeling?"

She was always gentle with him, like he was made of glass and he'd shatter at just the slightest incident. It sure seemed like he would.

Normally Richie would lash out at someone who tried to treat him like a child, but not Bev. Never Bev.

The sole female in the Losers Club was too gentle. Too benevolent.

"Fine." Richie mumbled, pulling out his pack of cigarettes.

Beverly knew all about his addiction, and while she didn't exactly approve, she herself had never turned down Richie when he asked if she wanted a smoke.

He lit a cigarette quickly and inhaled the toxic smoke, sighing as his nerves were calmed.

"Richie." Bev began gently. "Are you sure? You always seem so distant and..."

"I'm fine, Bev! I said I was, didn't I?" He snapped, cutting off the girl before realizing what he'd done.

"Shit, sorry Bev." He sighed. "Thank you for always checking up on me. I appreciate it, I really do. It's just that... you don't have to always treat me like I'm gonna break. I'm fine."

Bev looked like she was going to say something, her green eyes full of sadness and pity for her friend. But instead she just nodded. "Right. Sorry. You know you best." She forced a smile and began to walk stiffly down the road to her own neighborhood while Richie watched her go, blowing out smoke.

He turned his bike and went his own way home after flicking his cigarette butt to the ground, not bothering to stomp it out.

Home.

(A/N:  sorry this is super short!!! i have ideas though! idk exactly how I'll get this fic to where I want it so it'll have a lot more chaps but yeah, I'm taking it somewhere lol. also starting now I'm gonna have the month and year so u don't get confused when I do huge jumps like this xx.)