College Life: Freshman Year

Chapter 1

Her Facebook status read, "Today, I went to the park and kissed a girl from USC." We are broken up and she has every right to kiss someone, so why do I feel so horrible? Why have I been reading that sentence over and over for the past two hours, hoping it really isn't there? She is no longer mine. Hell, I was the one who broke up with her. There is no reason for me to be crying like I am right now. I hate you, Lauren Jauregui.

Then I start to remember the highlights of my relationship with Lauren. Our moments together start playing in my head like a montage from a cheesy movie. The night she lost her virginity to me. The way she asked me to be her girlfriend. Laying in the garden at night and confessing our love for each other. Parent's Weekend when Lauren came out to her dad and he welcomed me to the family. Flying to Massachusetts for my mom's birthday party and my mom saying, "You need to marry this girl." Time with friends. Time alone. Moments of passion and intimacy. Soft brown hair and bright green eyes. Porcelain skin. Tiny freckles on her body. Goodnight and good morning kisses. Inside jokes. The 50 songs that we claimed were "our song." Flying to Colorado the day after finals. Lauren coming out to her sister and her sister saying, "Thank God. Now I know you won't be after my boyfriends." Meeting her best friend Sam. Our brush with death in the mountains. The night our libidos got the best of us and changed our lives forever. Slamming doors. Yelling. Crying. The rage in Lauren's mom's eyes as she slapped Lauren. "You perverted little bitch!" Lauren sneaking out of her house and getting a motel room with me so we could have one more night together. "I'm gonna get hell for this, Normani, I just need to know that it's worth it. I need to know we're going to be together forever."

I should have let her down easy. I should have called over Winter Break and told her that I love her and that this is only a temporary separation, not a breakup. Instead I broke up with her the day we got back to campus after not calling or texting her for three weeks. She literally begged me not to break up with her. I deserve all of the heartache I'm going through.

I look at the time on my laptop and realize I have been daydreaming about Lauren for over an hour. This is ridiculous. I have to see her. My eyes are swollen from crying and I know I am being irrational right now. I don't know what seeing her will accomplish. We're not going to be a couple again, not as long as her mother is acting like a religious zealot and condemning Lauren to Hell for loving me. I don't even know where Lauren is and if I find her, what makes me think she will even speak to me? I don't care. I grab my keys and leave the room. I wish my roommate was here to stop me.

I knock on Lauren's door, hoping she'll answer and do what, I honestly don't know. It's dead silent inside.

I know finding Lauren in this city is hopeless, so I decide to take a walk on campus to clear my head. I decide to go to the Sculpture Garden. I need to lie on the grass there. I need to be in the same spot I was at when Lauren and I first said, "I love you." It's 1 am and the garden is dimly lit, but I don't care. Being there will make me feel close to Lauren again.

I break down crying when I find the exact spot we were at that night. This is where it happened. This is where we were laying next to each other. Our fingers laced. My dark hair entwined with her lighter hair. "I love how you always smell like honeysuckle," I told her. "And I love the way your eyes change from light brown to dark brown  depending on what you're wearing," she told me.

"I love the WTF face you make when someone says something stupid. And I love the signature Lauren smile with doe eyed." She smiles at me. "That's the one," I tell her.

"I love you, Normani."

"I love you too, Lauren."

We were too caught up in this new milestone in our relationship that we didn't care if we were outdoors and somebody could have caught us at any given moment. We made love to each other right then and there. Even though we are broken up, I still consider that to be the best night of my life. I snap back to reality when I hear someone's fragmented cell phone conversation.