My bleeding heart

A letter to you

A letter to you.
You were once someone that my world revolved around. You were my best friend. When people knew me they knew that you were not far. Same for you, they knew we were always together, or at least always knew where the other was. You knew everything about me. You knew my favorite songs. You knew my likes, and dislikes. You knew my crushes, my favorite food, why I loved the shows I did. You knew everything there was to know at the time, and the same went for you. I knew you so well, and for someone who didn't talk much and did not have many friends I was very lucky to know all of you. I always felt safe with you, I don't really know why, no offence. I believe it might be because I knew how much you cared for me. God, you cared for me so much & I was far from someone who deserved that care, but you always did. Even when we fought over dumb shit you cared. I have always been complicated to love. I know that. I loved you though. To this day I could still say I love you. It might not be how it was but it is still love. You were the first person to ever love me so deeply and also the first person to truly break my heart. They say friends don't break your heart, only lovers. You proved them wrong. You met someone who took over your heart when i was not ready to move out. You fell in love with them. I did not approve. I was selfish, I didn't want you to forget about me. I was so wrong for that. I was so wrong about a lot of things back then. I remember when you gave me your hoodie, that I sadly don't have anymore, but I did have for the longest. You gave it to me and not to your lover. For that I felt special. I believe he was fine with it because he knew he had your heart. I was feeling as if that hoodie was the only thing I had left of your love. We fought for that space in your heart. Finally, he won. It hurt to know I felt as if didn't matter that much to you. I felt like it wasn't a hard decision to make me move out and for him to move in. I should have never made you choose. After awhile I found myself falling in love with someone as you were falling out of love with him and on to someone else. I fell in love with someone who opened my eyes to so much yet hurt me in more ways than I could ever explain. You fell in love with your last lover's best friend. I do always wonder how that happened but that's for another time. You guys were well, happy even. You deserve happiness. Time passed and I became single again, which was for the best, my relationship wasn't good for my mental health and physical. He brought me so much darkness. That I still deal with today. You ended your relationship not too long after. Turns out she was more to handle than you wanted. Somehow we found our way to each other again. We started with small talk and how we were, We ended up getting to the topic of our past relationships. We talked for a while till you invited me to your house one afternoon. It felt nice reconnecting with an old friend. You were once this huge part of me growing up and then we grew apart. I enjoyed getting back to the roots. You ended up telling me how you felt about me, that even when you were with someone else you still loved me. I took advantage of that. I did not do it on purpose and I feel like i'll never truly get over how I hurt you. We dated, sadly not long. I ended it. God I was so cruel with your feelings. I wish I could take it all back. Sadly life doesn't work like that. After a while I fell back in love with my ex boyfriend. One we hadn't talked about but he was before you. At the time I knew I ruined you. I felt and still feel terrible. You were so caring to me. You really loved me for me and I took advantage of that. I never meant to. I was so confused with my feeling. I should have never hurt you the way I did. Recently I have been having these dreams and your in them. You will always take the role in my dreams of you, and also everytime I see you in my dreams i'm happy it's you. As if we ran into eachother at the mall and I saw you. It's always a warm feeling when I see you in my dreams. I enjoy your presence in them. Even in my dreams I feel safe with you. If I was to hug you in my dreams I can still smell your scent that always made me feel safe. You always made sure to protect me like a little forest creature. I don't know why you have been in my dreams so much lately. I have tried to reach out to you, and at first we talked, very small talk. I know you are not my biggest fan from how I left things so I talk to you with caution. I know you don't trust me anymore and I understand that. These dreams can not just be dreams. There has to me more to them. Maybe you dream of me to? I remember a long time ago my mom once said to her friend, "I don't know I just have a feeling they're going to get married." I always thought that was because we were such good friends. I wish I could talk to you about it. Before anything you were my friend,you were my best friend. I do miss that. I do not want to force you to be my friend, that would be cruel. Would I like to maybe have lunch and catch up? Of course. You will always have a place in my heart. Even though you were the first man to break my heart, you were also the first man to help mend it together. I do truly hate how we ended things and do hope one day you will think of me and maybe message me for that lunch I mentioned. I do pray one day you will trust me enough for a friendly chat. That's all I truly want. I want to know how you are. How you have been. How life after high school is. I will always be here , I know I was a shitty friend and I hope to someday make up for it. I hope also one day you are reading this and it is not just sitting on my computer taking up my hard drive.
I pray you're doing well.
Hope to one day hear from you.
Love,
your long lost friend.