A Message To Society

I'm Breaking Down

I know I've already said this before, but life is moving too fast and I can't keep up. There's too much pressure on me. Adults is always saying I'm so smart and how much they expect from me. It's too much. That's too much pressure to have on someone's shoulder, especially someone like me. Life is the worst. Sometimes, it seems I'd rather do anything than live. Maybe that's why I tried to kill myself. Maybe that's why I ended up in a mental hospital for a week because of overdose. But if those places are suppose to helo you, how have I been the same since I got back? Towards end, I was so sick of the place. We were allowed to see our family, if they came to visit, and we could talk to immediate family on the phone, but I still missed them and my friends. I missed my dog and cats. I missed my own room, and even sleeping in the same room as my little sister. I missed her the most. I would cry myself to sleep while I was there, but rated my depression low. Anything to be able to leave. I lied right to their faces. Until I had a suicide attempt there and had to stay another couple days. They found out the day I was suppose to leave too. I was so frustrated with the place, the first couple days I was home, I was nothing but happy. But soon, it all went back to normal. Except the recent restrictions my parents placed. I know they just want me to be safe, but it frustrates me that they don't trust me. My dad found a torn up ID badge from my old school with sharp edges on it, plus a house key, in our bathroom, and he refused to believe I had nothing to do with it. My mood has only gone down since, and I'm terrified of ever going back there again. I had to go back to the building for a therapy appointment, and I started panicking because it felt like I was going back. I can't drive past the building without getting irrationally angry or nervous. I know nobody knows if I'll ever end up back there and I remember people there who were on their fifth time there. What if I end up like them? What if I can't seem to get away ftom there. My life is filled with what ifs. All the different ways something could go wrong. All the different things that could happen if I do this, or say that. All the different things people could be thinking about me right now. I'm bound to snap. I really am now, just slowly so nobody notices. Nobody notices my mood getting worse or the crying coming from my room more and more often or me slowly getting more impatient and more irritable. It may partly be my fault for always saying I'm fine, but what am I suppose to say? I can barely tell the truth without crying. Yet, I still hate how nobody notices how broken down I am. The only one who seems to do is my dog. Not even my best friend. Not even my therapist. What the fuck am I doing?