A Message To Society

More Friendship

It's currently 1 in the morning and I've found it impossible to sleep, and I know I'll regret not taking my sleeping pill in the morning. I hate taking my medication. I don't even know why. I just hate that I have to take pills to function like a normal human being. Don't get me wrong, I love sleeping through the night, and not wanting to kill myself everyday, but I don't want to rely on a pill to get me there. If I can do it on my own, I'll have done something right at least.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about a conversation I had with my best friend recently. She's always had my back, but she doesn't anymore. I told her about ne being a wiccan and she freaked out. I wish she'd understand the religion better, maybe do some research. Search up some common misconceptions or what it's really about. If there's anything I miss about my old school and when we were younger it's her and our other friend. I never see them anymore. I barely talk to them anymore. Life was easier with them. I've always had them. I mean, I love my new friends, they're great. I just feel like an outsider most of the time. I barely talk when I'm around them and I have yet to get the comfort of being myself around them. I never questioned whether my best friend actually enjoyed my company, there was no question. I have friends, but I'm nobody's first pick. K--a picks K--h, R----l picks M---n, B---a picks A----n and M---n, A----n picks M---n and B---a, and M---n picks A----n and B---a. I'm left alone. I'm an outsider. I wish I could tell them, but I'm yet to feel comfortable talking to them about how I actually feel. If I mess things up with them, I have nobody. What if I mess things up. The 8 of us are the bottom of the social hierarchy of middle school. We're the weirdos, the losers, the outcasts, the nerds. If I mess this up, I'm even below that. I wish I could tell them. I'm scared and I don't know what to do.
This is honestly pathetic. Here I am, writing my feeling for absolutely nobody. And I'm praying the person I want to read it will, because she'll know I'm talking about her, and then if she reads it, maybe she'll confront me instead of me having to confront her. I've never been so passive agressive in my life.
I'm just pouring my feelings for the internet, pouring my heart out for complete strangers to read, yet I can't tell my own friends how I really feel.
Thoughts won't stop filling my head. I guess I've got a long way to go before I can get rid of them myself. I don't want to give in. I haven't hurt myself since December, but I can't stop myself much longer. This is all just my fault. It's my fault my best friends barely talk to me anymore. It's my fault I'm too awkward to talk around my new friends because I'm too scared to mess it up. And now I don't know what to do.