A Message To Society

What choice do I have?

Over the past month, I've been wracking my brain trying to think of something to write about. I'd like to say it's because I've been getting better, that's what I'm telling everyone at least, I just don't care anymore. I'm putting on a fake smile for everyone. For my parents, for my older sisters, my little sister, my friends, my girlfriend, everyone. Let them think I'm fine. Let them think I've reached this 'light at the end of the tunnel.' It's better that way. Besides, I'm so sick of hearing "it gets better." Don't tell me that, tell me anything but that, because if I have to hear it one more time, I'll scream. I'm just sick of everything. I want to die, but I can't. I know I can't. I can't do that to my little sister, or my girlfriend, of my best friend. I've put them through too much. I can't. Believe me, I've been trying to get better. I've been trying not to cut, I've been trying to eat. I promised my best friend I would. I lied. I knew I did and I felt so guilty, I still do. But what other choice do I have? I have to let her believe I'm fine. She's got her own shit to deal with without worrying about whether I'm eating or not. If I tell my parents about me not doing well, they'll change my medication again and I'll have to hear the rant about being open and telling the truth for the hundredth time. I'll be fine. I don't want to worry anyone. I don't want anyone to worry about what I'm doing behind closed doors. I'll just have to go through this alone. All my friends, old and new, don't need to worry. I'll keep smiling and saying I'm fine. It's worked so far. I haven't been happy in a long time. Sure I've smiled, and laughed, but it's never reached my eyes. Genuine happiness is long gone. I know I'm not ok. I know I can't do this alone. What choice do I have?