Chapter 1

463 17 42

by dinosaurspoon

by dinosaurspoon

To Beatrice:
ISSA SEQUEL BITCH!!

Hello readers, I'm Lemontree Discostick and I guess we're doing this again.

I'm honestly not in a good mood to write this right now because ~inhale~ I was just minding my own business, right? Just got out of Olive Garden, carrying my to-go box of spaghetti. Cool, whatever. But THEN, some HOODLUM TEENAGER passes by and whispers "your mom have gay". RIGHT IN MY EAR. My mom is DEAD you FUCK. (She's actually just in hiding but don't tell anyone.)

Anyway, teenager, if you're reading this, listen up, you FUCK, that's the problem with bitchass kids like you, you never fucking LISTEN, LISTEN UP, MY MOM IS NOT GAY. Can't even walk down the street anymore. Kids think they're funny and shit. God.

Anyway, our story starts off with the four kids sitting on the couch in their new home in Ottawa, Canada. "Okay, should I go with the blue tie or the red tie?"

"I don't know, Klaus," Violet replied, "I've never worn a tie myself."

Klaus sighed. "I know it's just a homecoming dance," he said, "but I want to look good. I mean, we're going to the fanciest school in the country, after all."

Just then, a drunken Justin Trudeau burst through the door. "GUESS WHAT, KIDS!" he yelled, staggering over to the couch. "YOU'RE SWITCHING SCHOOLS!"

"What?!" Violet exclaimed.

"But we've just started making friends!" Klaus argued.

"TOO BAD!" yelled Justin. And then, quietly, he mumbled, "New VFD school. Few blocks from the house. Going there," before passing out.

One of his assistants stepped through the doorway from behind him. "What Justin means is, VFD just issued a rule saying all members must be educated at their official school, where you learn code cracking, lock picking, poetry, and other things."

"Sounds good," said Sunny, not looking up from her new iPad, where she was playing Bumpy Road.

"But, he also left out an important detail," added the assistant.

"What is it?" asked Violet.

The assistant shifted in her place. "It's also required that all adult VFD members be educated, and since Justin is one of the few politicians who hasn't had any real training-"

"No," Klaus interrupted. "No way."

The assistant nodded. "Justin Trudeau is going to be your new classmate."

"Klaus, come out of the bathroom already. It's not that bad," Violet said through the bathroom door. The door suddenly swung open.

"Our parents died when I was fucking twelve, we immediately went to go live with a gross pedo who likes to harm orphans, then we met a nice doctor who died, a nice lady who died, and then slaved away in a lumbermill for like two god damn weeks. Then, we go to a boarding school where all the other kids SUCK except for like two, who we BARELY kept in touch with after we saw them at the village, and we go and live with a rich lady who, guess what! Also turns out to be EVIL, and then we stay in a cult, a literal CULT, that worships crows, and then a MURDEROUS HOSPITAL! WHAT THE FUCK! Oh, and then we go live as CIRCUS FREAKS because WHY THE FUCK NOT, and we see a woman get EATEN ALIVE. AND THEN WE ALMOST FREEZE TO DEATH IN THE MOUNTAINS. AND THEN WE COMMIT ARSON AGAINST OUR WILL. And THEN we have to BURY a woman at an island and then RAISE HER CHILD, GET A BOAT, START TO SAIL, but then... GUESS WHAT. We fucking CRASH. We travel for miles, go live on a farm with some RANDOM ASS GUY, and then HE DIES, and now we live with a mentally unstable stoner who listens to nothing but Kelly Clarkson and Avril Lavigne. And NOW, I'm gonna have to see him during ALL FUCKASS HOURS OF THE DAY! So do NOT! FUCKING TELL ME. THAT ITS NOT THAT BAD."

Violet was at a loss for words. Klaus was trying to catch his breath.

"You forgot The Grim Grotto," Sunny said simply. They both looked at her.