A Clusterfuck of Things Going Wrong 2

Chapter 8

Klaus woke up on a jail cell floor, with Sunny standing over him.

"Where.. where are we?"

Sunny rolled her eyes. "Olaf still got shooters out here."

"What?"

"Kidnapped. Caesars Palace in Vegas. Underground."

Klaus sighed, sat up, and looked around as Sarah Palin came into the room carrying a notepad. "Oh look, nerdass is awake."

"I resent that."

"Since you're our prisoner now, we just wanted to know what your LEAST FAVORITE FOODS ARE, so we can feed them to you every day."

"Uhh.." He looked at Sunny. She had the same idea. This was going to be easy. "Well... I absolutely HATE beef wellington. And lobster. And garlic mashed potatoes."

"Carrots and hot chocolate!" Sunny added.

"And burritos and sushi and beef stew."

They listed more and more until they were satisfied. Sarah Palin put her notepad down.
"Wow, you guys have HORRIBLE taste in food. All you ate with your dead parents was probably, like, liver or something. I'll be back later to discuss the sleeping schedule."

She left and Klaus beamed at Sunny. "Living here is gonna be easy," he said confidently. "I don't think they think their plans through very much."

-

The word "meanwhile" is something I don't often like to use. It's lazy. It sucks. It's the literary equivalent of "uhh". It's a lazy transition, and yet I am forced to use it here.

Klaus and Sunny obviously weren't in any real danger, but meanwhile, Justin, Violet, Quigley, and Ivy were going through a bit of a challenge.

That being, Justin's car broke down in the middle of the Oregon woods.

"Justin, can you stop trying to blow air into the tire with your mouth please?"

"Why, redhead I just met the other day?" Justin asked, out of breath.

"One: the tire isn't the problem. The car is broken. Two: you cannot possibly use your mouth to pump a tire. And three-"

"Greetings, brethren." They all jumped at the voice that came from behind them. They turned around and saw a man who looked like he had traveled straight out of colonial times, with a long beard, black coat, tall hat, and buckled shoes.

"You must be lost. My name is Jedediah."

"What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuucckk," whispered Justin.

"You seem to have stumbled upon our community. As you can see, we are an Amish town, but we would be happy to take you in."

Quigley muttered something that sounded like "quaker oats". Violet elbowed him in the ribs.

"Thank you, kind sir. We would be happy to stay the night," said Ivy politely. Jedediah nodded curtly, and they then followed him into the small village where his people took up residence.

"I read a book about the Amish when I was four," Ivy whispered to Violet. "I think I'll know how to navigate this place."

"God I hope Klaus marries you," Violet whispered back.

Jedediah stopped at a hut with a few large wooden barrels outside of it. "Now, outsiders, if you're going to stay here, you must work. You know how to churn butter, don't you?"

"Pfft, duh. What am I, stupid?" said Justin. They all stared at him. "What? Unlike you kids, I have more than one skill."

And so they churned butter until the cows came home. And I don't mean that metaphorically, I mean literally until the cows were herded back in for the night.

"Look at me, I'm Paula Dean!" exclaimed Justin, who had completely covered his face in butter. "Booter booter boooooooterrrrrr!!"

"God, how long do we have to keep working like this? Can't I just find my siblings already?" Violet groaned.

At this point, Jedediah walked up to them. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you all to stop. You can stop."

They all gave a sigh of relief and let go of the handles, except for Ivy.

"Guys, I can't make my arms stop stirring."