Her Secret

six | buckle up

I spent my day avoiding Zach at all costs.

After last night it feels like he got close. Too close.

Even though he only heard me sing, only heard me play. But it's more than that. They way he looked at me made me believe he got a piece of my puzzle.

One piece too many.

Which is why I find myself in a middle seat in English class. Can't have him sitting next to me can we?

The bell rings and he's not here. Great. I'm sitting in the middle for no reason.

I'm interrupted from my thoughts when the man of the hour shows up.

Good. Now this seat transfer isn't for nothing. I mean the seat in front of me is empty, but Zach Dawson doesn't sit in the middle. Zach Dawson sits in the back. Always.

I guess not today though, right?

I mean that's why the chair in front of me starts scraping against the tiles, and the one and only Zach Dawson plants his annoying ass down in it.

I try to ignore him. I really do. But it's kind of a hard thing to do when instead of facing the teacher, he's facing me.

ME.

Just as I'm about to put him in his place, Mrs. Raj beats me to it.

"Mr. Dawson, can I ask you why you're back is to me?"

Without taking his eyes off of me, Zach replies "You're going to tell us to work on our assignment. Might as well be near my partner now, right?"

Rolling her eyes, Mrs. Raj gives up, and tells us to work on our projects.

I thought we had to do it at home? And I thought I was doing it alone?

I need to do it alone.

Deciding to finally speak up, I voice my thoughts "What are you talking about? Aren't we supposed to do this at home? And I thought we agreed I'd do it by myself?"

A small smirk makes its way onto Zach's face as he says "If you were listening to Mrs. Raj, you'd know she decided to let us have today for our project. And did you really think I'd let you do this alone?"

Confused, I say "Yes? You said you were going to. And honestly I'd rather do it alone. I usually do these assignments alone. Or at least try to." I murmur the last part of that to myself. But his reply lets me know he's heard it.

"Lenny, you're not doing it alone. I've heard of your attempts to do assignments alone, and I've noticed your self isolation within the past year and a bit."

I hope my face doesn't give away the anxiety his words bring out in me. I try to remain as passive as possible as I say "Look Zachy I don't see how any of that is your problem. It's the way I like things done, which has nothing to do with you. So maybe you should just let me continue on with my life and do this project alone, okay?"

That may have been a tiny bit rude, but I'm on the defensive here. I need to get him off my back and fast. I have a month until my chemo and radiation, and he cannot be around for that.

Unfortunately not looking discouraged Zach replies "Listen here princess, I'm going to help with this project. Not to try to figure you out or any other bullshit like that. I don't take handouts, and I sure as shit am not going to start now so you can do things the way you'd prefer. So buckle up, it's going to be a long ride Lenny."

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Not seeing any other choice, I relent. "Fine. But listen, if you're helping I have rules. We meet at specified times, no surprise visits. And we have this thing done within the month. Okay? One month."

A confident smirk makes its way onto his face, as he sticks out his hand and says "One month Lenny."

----

After school I find myself back on Dr. Lanil's therapy couch.

The worst couch ever.

I mean I do get it. I probably am depressed. My acceptance of my forthcoming death cannot be healthy, neither can my isolation. But it's my choice. Mine. The only one I've made for myself since I was forced into this situation. And I don't intend on changing my mind.

"So Leena, how have you been since I last saw you?"

Holding back my less than pleasant attitude I stiffly reply "You saw me a few days ago Doc, not much has changed. I'm still kicking it. Just kicking it as a senior now."

I gave her the bait, and I know she'll take it. I'll talk about my miserable senior year, sure. But I won't talk about cancer. Nope.

"Ah yes, that's right. You're a senior now. How does it feel?"

"It feels the same."

"The same? You have so much approaching Leena. Prom, graduation, university. I'm sure you don't feel the same."

You're right. I don't. I feel worse. I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in my secret, as my clock ticks down, slowly but surely looking for my expiry. I feel awful knowing that I won't be excited for anything coming up. Not one damn thing. Because that excitement will lead to false hope. The one thing I don't think I'll be able to handle.

"You're right. Lots is approaching. Should be fun."

----

After therapy, as per usual I find myself at the hospital volunteering.

This weeks song of choice is a children's song Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
How I wonder what you are.
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky.

When the blazing sun is gone,
When he nothing shines upon,
Then you show your little light,
Twinkle, twinkle, all the night.

Then the traveler in the dark,
Thanks you for your tiny spark,
He could not see which way to go,

If you did not twinkle so.

Do I have a star? A light to follow?

The answer must be no, or else I wouldn't feel so lost.