Her Secret

eighteen | be there

Emotional exhaustion is the only word to describe my mood right now. So, Zach being in my living room right now is the last thing I need.

Once my eyes find his grey orbs that are drenched in shock and sadness I know that no matter my mood I wouldn't be prepared for this conversation.

I told him everything. He knows and we said our goodbyes, so why is he here?

"Hey, Leena." Zach sadly greets.

I'm Leena now?

All I can do in return is nod and send him the what look.

"Can we talk? Please?" he begs.

I don't know what he wants, but I know he's persistent. He's not leaving until he says his peace.

So, fine. This is apart of being the sick one, listening to people cry over your misfortunes. How unfair it is, and how I need to fight for my life because I deserve it.

I can't tell you how many of my aunts and uncles have had that conversation with me.

I again nod, and lead him to the backyard, grabbing a blanket on my way out.

Dylan sends me a look "are you okay?" I nod in return; I'm fine.

After setting the blanket down I take a seat and stare at Zach. His perfectly sculpted jaw, addictive eyes, crooked nose, plump lips.

"What are you doing here, Zach?" I sigh.

"You're bald." he blurts.

I can't help but let a humourless chuckle out at his words. 

"Is that what you came here to tell me?" I grin.

"No-" his eyes widen at the realization of what he said "Shit, Lenny, sorry. I jus- Uh." he stumbles, as he runs his hands through his hair.

I decide to put him out of his misery by starting, "Look, Zach you don't owe me anything." I sigh "I'm sorry I went on that trip with you despite everything, and I'm sorry I unloaded all of my baggage onto you. I know peoples reactions to seeing me really sick, Zach. It's not an image anybody wants. This is just me bald, it gets worse. So I-"

"I'm sorry." he cuts me off. I give him a confused look and he continues "Shit, I am so sorry Lenny. That is not how you needed me to react, and I don't want you thinking I don't want to be here for you. It's just, I got flashbacks to when my mom told us she was sick and I didn't want to believe that another person I care about is ill. I feel so fucking bad I-"

This time I'm the one to cut him off by placing my hand over his and bringing his attention back to me.

"Zach, stop. You don't need to apologize, it's a hard pill to swallow and I shouldn't have forced it down your throat."

"You don't get it, do you?" His eyes pierce mine, pleading with me to understand, to stay. "People want to be there for you Lenny, you need to start letting them."

"What are you trying to say, Zach?" I tiredly sigh.

"That even if you don't want me there, I will be. I'll be spamming your brother, and coming to the hospital and swinging by your house. I'm going to be there and you can't stop me."

"Za-" I start.

"No." He fiercely interrupts. "I know, okay. I know how badly it's going to hurt if you don't make it, I know how hard it's going to be to see you sick and struggling. Okay, I've been through it before so I know. But I also know that I wouldn't give up any of my time with mom, including her sick days. So I'm going to be there."

At some point during his speech I started tearing up. How could I let him watch me parish?

"Zach, you don't deserve to go through all of that again. Please don't put yourself through this again." I plead as tears stream down my face. "I can't bear to watch my family see me sick, I can't have another pair of devastated eyes watching me all of the time."

"Lenny, look at me." he says as he cups my face in hands and wipes my tears with his thumbs. "You don't deserve to go through this alone, okay? You deserve to be surrounded by all of the happiness in the world, and I'm going to bring that to you. It's going to be better this time." Zach declares before he pulls me in for a deep, bear hug.

"I'm here this time."

----

Zach left shortly after his promise to be there for me, his departing words being that he'll see me tomorrow.

I am now sitting in front of the mirror in my room, starring at me bald head, wondering how all of this happened.

I have cancer, I'm friends with Zach Dawson, and I'm bald. 

All I can focus on right now is my bald head. I'm trying to hide my happiness that Zach chose to stick by me through looking at my egg shaped head.

I run my hand over the surface as my thoughts are running a mile a minute.

Why would he stay? He watched his mom die and he wants to watch something like that again? Why didn't he run when he had the chance? Is it guilt?

I'm clearly doing a good job at not thinking about him.

But he stayed. My mind argued. You told him to go and he didn't. He stayed.

A small smile graces my face as I think of Zach. He stayed.

----

After staring at my baldness for a long enough time I started making myself depressed.

I'm already dying, and now I can't even have hair. I can't even be pretty.

How long is Zach going to want to stick around when you're bald and throwing up? When you can barely move?

I crawl into the deepest part of my mind as I think about what's to come. It's not going to be a pretty sight, why would anybody want to stay around to watch that?

Hot sizzling anger spirals through my body as I think about how unfair my life has become. I storm into my bathroom, ripping all of my hair products, tools, and washers and viscously throw them in the trash.

Useless anyways. I think. I'm bald now, why do I need hair products? As I'm tearing through my bathroom two arms wrap around me and stop my movements.

"Breathe, Lee." Dylan whispers in my ears.

I at first tense in his hold, but as he tells me it's going to be okay, I immediately go lax in his hold and start sobbing. My brother turns me around and clutches me to his chest as if we depend on it, and I think we do.

Dylan coo's comforting words into my ears as I break down and I can't help but speak my truth.

"It's not fair." I sob "I-I alread-y have to go t-o therapy and the damn do-ctors every day, and now I ha-ve to be bal-d again. Wh-y me?" I sob into my brothers chest and I pound my fists against his body.

Dylan pulls back just enough to look at me as he strongly says "Look at me, Leena."

I tilt my head up but can't see through my blurry tears. Dylan wipes them clean with his thumb so I can see clearly and I start tearing up again at the sight of my beautiful, bald brother.

I latch my arms around his neck and hug him close as he puts his arms around my waist and hide his face into the crook of my neck.

"You're my best friend, my sister, my twin, and my better half. If you go jump, I jump. If you fall, I fall. And if you shave your fucking head, well then so do I."

All I can do is hold on a little tighter.

"I love you."