What If I Had

nineteen - the reality of it all

"Gwen," he sighed. "We need to talk."

I tinkered with the contraption, twisting my wrist with a screwdriver in my hand while my other hand patted the side of the machine lovingly. "I can't, baby, not right now."

"That's just it though, doll. I've been trying to talk to you for weeks and each and every time, you blow me off." I felt a weight shifted onto the bench besides me, I didn't look up from my work as I already knew who it was. "What are you talking about? I've only been working on this for a few days."

His voice was monotone when he said, "It's been three and a half months. I know you love your work, I love it too, but..." he paused, mumbling sorrowfully, "... I'm worried that you love your work more than you love me."

I slammed the screwdriver on the countertop in frustration, my arm as a pillar that kept my head up. "Why would say such a stupid thing?"

Mickey, flustered, stuttered a response. I knew he didn't expect me to respond like that. "Gw-Gwen, take a good look at yourself and then tell me what you got to say for yourself, because this—this isn't you."

I shook my head in disbelief, stifling a sarcastic chuckle. "So I'm not the girl you fell for in science class anymore? Is that it?"

"No, no, I didn't mea—" I stopped him, budding in. "No, Mick, I get it. Because I'm cooped up in here every day after school, making the biggest discovery in the history of science and physics, you're getting self-conscious 'cause I won't go out with you."

Mickey was frustrated. Practically fuming, his face turned red and he followed me as I got up from the bench to find something in a cardboard box I propped up on a shelf against the wall in the garage. "You are sick if you think you can just choose science over the one you love."

"Wh—Mickey, why would you think that? I just—"

"You just what? You think you could just juggle between the two, thinking that everything'll be peachy and you won't 'accidentally' put all of your attention on one of the two. I love you Gwen, but I also love my work, so I find a balance for time between the two things that make my life worth living."

Mickey takes my hand in his, caressing it softly as he pulls me into his embrace. I looked up in his eyes, my chin on his chest.

"I love you so much more than science, so I want to make more time for you. But you obviously care about your little science project there more than you do me."

I was surprised to hear Mickey tell me all this, I never realized how much time I dedicated to this machine of mine and it made me feel terrible for the way I've been behaving lately. I analyzed Mickey's face, it was genuine and full of love and sorrow.

But how could he make me feel this way?

"If you really loved me, you would support me and the things I do." I pushed him off of me and went over to my machine again to enter in a destination. Today was the day I was going to test it out. With the test subject in hand, a cat I bought from the local pet shop downtown, I heard the machine hum to life.

"What the hell is wrong with you!?" He spat.

"Don't talk to me like that. Don't you ever talk to me like that again, like I'm your dog. Some boyfriend you are."