What If I Had

twenty eight - growing old with our daughter

"It's no use. It's not working."
"Shut the fuck up, Gwen, it'll work 'cause I'll make it fucking work!"

I shot Rick a dirty look before tightening my fists again around the old leather belts Rick provided me. I nodded at him again with such subtlety that it took Rick a good while before flipping the switch again.

The pain was piercing, like something I've never felt before.
Is this was knives to the back felt like?
Is this what bullets to the head felt like?
Is this what being on fire felt like?
It was so brain numbingly severe, it might as well have severed every last nerve ending in my body. I'll spare you the details. I did my absolute best not to think about it, closing my eyes and giving it my all to think of something, anything, other than what I was going through then.

Once I achieved it, it felt like I had left my body.

My mind must've been playing tricks on me because that's exactly what I saw when I opened up my eyes.

There was Rick. Feet apart, back straight, face dampened with sweat and eyes flooded with tears. The look on his face was terrifying. He didn't want to go through with this anymore.

I was down there, teeth gritted as I waited for this round to finish.

I watched Rick pull his face away from me for a split second before focusing again on me.

We had to do this. We had to.

Then the pain stopped. I felt and heard the whir of the machine wind down as my eyes started to open. Did—did I hallucinate what I'd just seen?

Rick ran to my aid to untie me down from angled wall, loosening my straps and pulling me into his arms. I melted like caramel in his arms, I was so physically exhausted. We had been trying all morning and all afternoon trying to get the effects of the timeline to reverse the aging process, but to no success.

With each new try, with every attempt, the pain would only worsen. Rick noticed this. I told Rick to just push through it, I promised him I'd do my best to cope with it. I didn't want to die here. At least, not yet.

"Gwen." Rick breathed, patting down the strawberry blonde wisps standing up on the back of my head. "Let me find another way."

"How long would that take?" I whimpered, caressing his back with both hands. "You told me the longer we wait, the faster the process develops."

Rick paused, putting his hands on the back of my thighs and picking me up to sit me down on the countertop.

"Please don't let me keep doing this to you." He had his hand flat on the countertop besides me, leaning in with one hand on my cheek as he stared into me. I look away, my eyes wander, landing on the angled wall now empty.

"If I die here, in this timeline, what will become of my original universe?"

Rick evaded my gaze, his right hand still on the counter with his left now on the small of my back. I forced him to look back at me, putting both of my hands on either of his cheeks, pulling his face close to mine.

"What'll happen to me?"

He wouldn't answer me. I searched his eyes for an answer, a clue, a hint, anything. Something that would give me some insight. He struggled, but his eyes swelled again and filled to the brim with tears. His face was warm in my hands as I pulled him in closer to rest my forehead on his.