Recount the Seconds (Muke)

Chapter 12

*TW for some suicidal thoughs, reference to attempted suicide/self harm*

Present - Mikey

"Yep?" I lift my shoulder so it presses my phone to my ear while pouring a bowl of cereal. 

A tentative whisper crackles across the line. "Michael?" 

I drop the cereal box. "Luke?" 

"Hi."

"Dammit, Luke, what time is it?" God, why did I say that. Of all the things I have to say--

"'Bout midnight. I just woke up."

"You--"

"I was napping, I was pretty out of it earlier..."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He drifts off. 

There are so many things I want to say to him. Do I get mad first? How about why the fuck haven't you been talking to me? But is he okay? I've been so worried...

Clearing my throat, I give up on trying not to be awkward. "How...how are you?"

I hear Luke's breath catch across the line. "Today was a bad day, but um...but I think I figured some things out."

"Yeah?" 

"Yeah, I guess. It's just like...I need to move on a bit or something, get out of my own head..."

"What do you mean?" I frown. 

"I've been really bad, Mikey." 

"Ash has been telling me." 

"I can't do this anymore, you know? I've got to change something--" 

"Luke--" 

"Well, I didn't lose you. You're still here, right?"

"...Yeah?" The fuck, Luke?

"We're on a break, yeah? Like the band, a...an indefinite break. And you'll get better, Mikey, I know you will. But I've gotta stop waiting for that, I've gotta realize that'll take time, and I can't just keep counting on it--" 

"What, you want to see other people or something?"

"No," he returns quickly. "No, I'm just saying...I've been shutting you out, 'cause...'cause you shut me out, and--"

"Luke."

"-- I shouldn't have done that. I let myself go."

I sigh. "Does this mean you're good? You're back?" 

Luke pauses. "I don't know. Maybe. I'm gonna try to be better, Mikey. I'm sorry for being such a little shit of late..."

"Luke, it's not--" 

"How are you anyway?" he cuts me off. Something in his tone worries me...

"Um...I have an appointment in a little while that could be interesting." 

"Yeah?"

"I got a new doctor and he's sending me to a hypnosis expert. Apparently hypnosis is like really deep sleep, and there's something about it that...I don't know, I don't quite get it. I think it's a load of crap, really, but I'll try anything at this point." 

"Hmm..." Luke intones. 

"Are you sure you're okay?" 

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," he sighs. 

"All right..."

"What did you mean by I love you?" he snaps all of a sudden. "It's been bugging me."