Recount the Seconds (Muke)

Chapter 19

--L--

“How did we get here?”

I think about hiding in the music room during lunch, strumming away at my first guitar and singing softly. It was my safe space until Calum Hood — the funny, skinny, athletic kid — and his friend Michael Clifford started crashing. I think about them ignoring me at first, then Michael telling me to quiet down…he scared me then. I went silent.

--C--

“How did we get here?” 

I wasn’t even supposed to be here. I was never invited to be a part of Michael and Luke’s band — I just kind of showed up. And somehow it fucked up my whole future. My plan. I always thought I would be a great football player. I would move to England, make a life for myself…and it’s funny — I have, but things never work out the way you expect them to, right? 

But I’m glad to be fucked up. It’s just funny to think of how a few simple actions — inviting Michael and Luke over for a sleepover and listening to Blink 182, crashing their band practice, getting down on one knee and inviting Ashton to join our adventure — put me…here. 

--M--

“How did we get here?”

I remember how much I resented Luke at first. Like…I was in this black hole of sorts. I didn’t really want to do anything or be anything, I just wanted to sleep a lot, but I had this one friend who could drag me out of that — Calum — and I thought if Calum realized how cool Luke was, with his perfect voice and his guitar-playing, and his cute face and personality…he wouldn’t want to hang out with me anymore. I couldn’t have that — Calum was all I had to keep me awake. It never occurred to me that Luke could be my friend — why would he ever want to be friends with someone like me? 

--A--

“How did we get here?” 

There was a Facebook message. A fucking Facebook message started a crazy, long trip…but it’s more than that. It’s my dad leaving us alone, it’s my mom working several jobs to keep our heads above the water, it’s me raising my younger siblings, it’s never learning to do anything for me and me only. 

Music was always a singular escape. I would listen to Green Day and forget about the world, if only for a few minutes, before Harry came to me with a homework problem, or my mom wanted me to do chores, or Lauren needed someone to comfort her after someone hurt her feelings at school. And I don’t mean to complain too much — life’s not fucking fair, I get it — but I put so much effort into taking care of other people, I didn’t have the time or energy to notice myself crumbling from the inside out. 

--L--

I didn’t mind solitude so much, because I always had my family. Mum took good care of me and Ben and Jack were okay as siblings go, and I would just keep to myself and play guitar…that was fine by me. But seeing Michael and Calum’s friendship made me feel like I was missing out on something, all of a sudden. As I sat in my corner of the music room, eaves-dropping on their stupid conversations, I got frustrated. I wanted in, wanted those cool older boys to like me and to talk to me too, but I never thought it would actually happen. I was young and chubby and “annoying as fuck” whenever I made noise during lunch, at least according to Michael. Of course they’d never want to hang out with me. 

Then, one day, Michael was out sick — or so he insisted at the time — and Calum came and sat in my corner. Talking to Cal was easy — he really is such a great guy, and that came through then. Naturally, when he invited me over that weekend, I was unbelievably excited. God, that seems so weird now…But I was. Then I found out that Michael would be there.