Recount the Seconds (Muke)

Chapter 9

Present - Luke

"Fuck. You." he breathes. Then he slips out the door, letting it slam behind him. 

"Michael!" I yell after him, scrambling out of bed.Chasing him down the hall, I swear to myself.

God, we’ve had shitty timing lately. I never thought he’d hear the song. And even if he did, I never thought he’d be so…I don’t even know what he is. I don’t know what’s going on. 

"Michael!" I call again. We’ve gone down a flight of stairs now, and I’m gaining on him; he’s still weak from being bed-ridden for so long. 

As we dart down the next corridor, I catch him, dragging him by the arm to the side of the hall. 

"Leave me alone," he gasps. 

I glance about frantically. Noticing a conference room entrance to my right, I yank open the door and pull him into the room with me. 

"Please, Luke."

"No," I pant. 

"I don’t want to talk right now."

"I do."

Running a hand through his silvery hair, exposing the scar that started it all, he scowls at me. “Really?”

I cross my arms. 

All of a sudden, he laughs, bitterly. And it scares me. “I wish that I could wake up with amnesia…”

I sigh. “No, Michael—”

"Luke, how fucking insensitive are you?"

"You weren’t supposed to hear—"

"Does it matter? I mean — what I want — what I want to know is if that’s how you really feel. Because that matters a lot." 

"What, that I want to forget every—"

"No. Well. Yeah, and that I’m gone, I’m not…me, now, and — Jesus, Luke. It’s just so selfish in this situation to—"

"Well it hasn’t exactly been cakes and rainbows for me, Mikey—"

"No shit!" He yells back at me, eyes wide. "Do you think that I don’t understand that? Do you think it doesn’t make me sick with guilt to see myself hurting you no matter how hard I try…Luke, I hate it! I hate what I’m doing to you, but there is nothing I can do about it.”

Even as I try to blink them back, hot tears begin streaming down my face. “I know…” I try to backtrack. 

"Do you?" he chokes. "Because it seems like you’re wallowing in a good amount of self-pity and not giving a single thought to how this feels if—"

"Not giving a — look. I’m not the only one being thick here, okay? You can’t possibly think that I haven’t put any thought into how you must be feeling. All I’ve been trying to do since the accident is to make you feel better, to make you better—"

"For you or for me?"

I stop dead. “What?”

"For you or for me, Luke?"

"For both of us! For what we have, somewhere—"

"What we had."

I close my eyes. Nothing could have stung more. “Yeah?” My voice is low and soft, somewhere between a threat and a cry for help. 

"Look," Michael lowers his tone, anger abating. "This sucks, Luke. No. That doesn’t begin to cover it. Because even though I can’t remember it, I can see how you changed my life infinitely for the better—"

"Mine too," I whisper. 

"But," he intones, "we’re fighting over something that’s gone, at least for now. I can’t give you what you want from me—"

"Michael."

"—And I know it’s not fair, and it hurts like hell, and I’m sorry. I’ve been trying…but I need to get better, and to figure this out on my own, without having to worry about pretending for you—"

"Then stop pretending. We’ll just—"

"You don’t understand."

I try to swallow the lump in my throat. 

"And that’s okay," he continues. "I don’t know how you would. But all the same, it’s true."

"So what does that mean?" My throat constricts, my voice coming out quiet and shaky. 

"I need a break," he sighs. "And we need a break. So, uh…So for now, I’m going back to Sydney—"

My head snaps up. 

"—and I think you should stay here."

*****

I’M SORRY I AM SO FUCKING SORRY, OKAY? …SORRY. 

But do you see why this needed to be a short chapter? And the good news is, there will be another one by Sunday still! (People on the Tumblr have heard about this already, Wattpad people -- I'm writing two shorter chapters this week instead of one long one). But I feel like that’s avoiding the topic of FUCK I REALLY AM AN ASSHOLE I FUCKING CRIED WRITING THIS CHAPTER…AND MY REACTION WAS LIKE, ‘YEAH, DEFINITELY HAVE TO POST THIS ASAP BEFORE I CAN CHANGE MY MIND’ AND GAHHH. 

I am in pain. Okay. No matter what, this note is going to be ridiculous, ranty, and remorseful, so…I should stop. I love you guys, even though it may not seem like it right now. You’re all awesome. Feel free to yell at me or whatever. Nrrg.

xx,

baconastronaut