Recount the Seconds (Muke)

Chapter 20

Present - Calum

One hand on the sofa cushions between my arm and my torso, the other on my collarbone, Ashton leans in so close to me our noses almost touch, frozen. We've found ourselves this way after, in the span of a second, he launched himself from the other side of the couch into my unsuspecting arms, then...stopped.

Did I --? Do I --? "Ash?" I breathe, not sure what else to say. 

Kicked back into action, my best friend flinches away slightly, refusing to look at me. "I- I'm sorry," he mumbles. 

Gently, I reach out and touch his jawline, turning his face back toward mine. He stares at me, hazel eyes wide and teary, but despite my band mates and I becoming more accustomed to Ashton in that state, something feels off this time. 

The anger. Yes. He's come undone, but for once, he isn't angry -- just very, very sad. His words barely register with me, because in that moment, in that single gaze, he unfolds in front of me.

"Calum, I'm sorry -- I shouldn't have--"

I see an abandoned little boy who never quite believed he was wanted, a kid who carried far too much weight far too young, someone who would give himself away to those in need until he had nothing left for himself, and yet somehow...somehow Ashton is like light, burning too intense sometimes, glowing, smoldering low, bringing the people around him out of the dark...I can't let him go out. He is wanted, he is loved, he needs to--

I surprise myself when I close the distance between us, sliding my hand into Ashton's curls and drawing his lips to mine. He surprises me more by pressing in closer, grabbing a fistful of my t-shirt and straddling my hips and...he pulls away from me suddenly, sitting up straight. 

"Calum?" he asks. "Why are you doing this?"

"I..." I stutter. 

"Please."

I sigh. "I don't--"

"You don't love me. You shouldn't--"

"Of course I love you!" I protest. God, how could he think...

"I shouldn't have started something, I'm sorry, but you shouldn't do this because you feel bad--"

"That's not why--"

"Then why, Cal?"

I pause. How can I explain without hurting him worse? This is like walking on egg shells. 

"Cal?"

"I don't know," I snap, almost reflexively. 

"That's what I thought," he returns, climbing off my lap and walking out of the room. 

"Ash?" I call after him, a hint of panic in my voice. 

"I'm just making myself a snack, Cal; stop treating me like a fucking time bomb." 

"But--"

"I already told you I don't want to talk right now." 

"I do."

"Don't really care." 

"About what I want?" 

Ashton falls silent. 

****

Present - Ashton

I care about what he wants more than just about anything. That's the problem. He doesn't actually want me -- just wants me to feel better. And as much as I appreciate that, I'm not going to let him do that to himself. Cal's the last person I would want to make miserable. 

*****

I feel bad about publishing this because I can't even properly proofread now I'm so braindead and I feel like it's probably really shitty in addition to being super short...but I want to keep myself on schedule, even if that means writing a chapters without having slept in the past 48 hours, because I'm worried about going way off again, and I really don't want to do that. So, I'll do a bonus chapter this week like I have a couple times instead of trying to extend this (presumable) mess. And it will be about Muke, since...you know, this started as a Muke fanfic. And I feel like I've kind of drifted away from their story line in the past few chapters, but there's actually something important going on that I need to bring to the foreground and gahh I'll figure it out, but my sleep-deprived brain is just getting flustered right now, so..yeah, bonus chapter sometime midway through this week. Hope that's all right! 

On the bright side, I AM FINALLY IN LONDON. We got to our temporary housing around 2 this afternoon (London time), and we got some food and went exploring (yay for touristy things), and yeah. I'm physically exhausted, but in a happy place right now, and I'm looking forward to seeing what tomorrow brings! Enough about personal stuff; the point is, I should be settling into a routine again in the next few days and defeating the dark wizard that is jet lag (seriously, man? fuck you.), and hopefully I will be a much better writer/editor again. Until the bonus chapter, much love xx 

baconastronaut