Recount the Seconds (Muke)

Chapter 17

Present - Ashton

I leaned back against the guard rail, listening to the hum of the cars below me. My breathing, shallow and out of control, rasps along with the overwhelming, perpetual noise. Rubbing my temple, I feel my heartbeat pounding in my head like something trying to break itself free. 

Glancing behind me, I examine the two lanes. Cars pass one way and the next, oblivious to my situation. The way it should be, I tell myself. I’ve missed oblivion. It feels like the lesser of several evils at the moment, anyway. I guess I’d rather be lost than crack under the pressure of the public eye. 

Michael’s voice continues across the line: quiet, flat, calm…I’ve stopped listening, mostly. It’s nice to know he’s there though. And he’s made me promise to stay, so I will for a while. 

I’m not sure what I want to do anyway. Here, feel numb, drowned in the noisy street and the flat, grey sky. I don’t want to jump — not really — but I don’t want to stay either. I don’t want to deal with people: with Matt and Luke and Michael and Calum…Calum.

He’s another story, that boy. I never wanted to — never expected to-

I can’t think about him right now; he makes me feel something. 

I don’t want to feel anything ever again. 

Present - Calum

I press my forehead against the cold window of the cab. Traffic crawls slower than usual as the seconds creep by. I tap my fingers on my thigh, willing the world to move faster.

Present - Luke

“Yeah, we’ll need two.” I cup my hand around my phone and my mouth as I speak, not wanting to interrupt Michael and Ash. “No, nothing. … I’m sure. … It’s a last minute arrangement. We had them for this Thursday, but we’ve got to change that. … No, I’m not worried about it right now — our manager will call and deal with— …Yeah, I understand. It’s fine, we just need the tickets.” 

Hanging up, I found Cal’s contact. “we’re all set,” I texted him. 

Present - Calum

<23 seconds ago, Luke sent> we’re all set

I sigh. Thank God…now all I have to do is get him into the car. 

“We’ll be there in about a minute,” the cabbie calls from the front seat. 

“Thanks,” I return distractedly. Through the trees, I can just see the tall lampposts on the railings of the bridge, growing larger as the cab nears the edge. 

“I can’t park there, but I’ll pull onto the shoulder here and wait?”

“Sounds good.” 

As soon as the car grinds to a halt, I’m out the door and running toward the sidewalk of the tall structure. Please be there, Ash…

Then I see him, slumped at the base of one of the lampposts. I pick up my pace as I reach the bridge.

Hearing my pounding footsteps, Ash notices me and stands.

Present - Ashton

I don’t remember much about the first time I tried to kill myself. I remember was at a breaking point in a long journey then; I needed to change or give up, and I chose surrender. I remember the crushing guilt of waking up, knowing what I had almost done to my family. I remember feeling utterly alone. 

This time, I’m not alone. As I stand clutching the railing so tightly my knuckles turn white, I know full well that I don’t have the courage to keep living the way I have been of late. And as Calum reaches me and wraps his arms around me, weeping, I know full well that I don’t need it. 

—

I expected the cab to take us home, but instead, we ended up at the airport. I talked to Mikey on the phone again, and then Luke. We’ll try to work things out. I still feel fragile, numb, but, resting my head on Calum’s shoulder, his face pressed into my crown as the airplane engine roars around us…I mean, no. I’m not okay. But I’m on solid ground, and returning home…well, if there’s anywhere we can figure ourselves out…it’s here. 

*****

Hey!

So we're doing a two-chapter week again , because I was having trouble picking a stopping point, and this is the logical one -- it just makes the chapter very short. So anyway, new chapter up by Wednesday! Yay for the change in pace :) 

In terms of what's coming soon...I have promised a one-shot and I currently have two other fics in progress (one (CIRCUIS AU) will be up tomorrow and one has a couple chapters finished, but I won't be uploading until later this summer). Basically, what's going on is this: I am currently in the process of moving to another continent, and I just found out that I will have limited computer/internet access this summer because my mother is convinced I have an internet addiction (who am i kidding, i have an internet addiction)... So anyway, I am queing up a whole bunch of one shots and this new fic (Summer Camp AU) on the tumblr in case I can't be on to give you guys new content. They're saved in drafts on Wattpad, and I'll publish when I can. Hope that's cool with you guys! 

If you're still in school, good luck finishing off your year, and happy summer to everyone who is out! I'll see you this Wednesday. 

xx,

baconastronaut