Psych.

Saudade.

In my life, I love you more.
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My father. I have spoken about him before. I am like him in many aspect: musically talented, artistic, and humorous in goofy ways. I've noticed that we also share the difficulty of expressing our feelings and although he acts strong, I know that he hurts as I do. And I know that we run away.
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My face on that screen revealed to me pieces of my father that I hadn't thought about. He's searching for me. He misses me. A note flashed on the screen. "You're my only daughter, come home." A phrase he had said to me before, "You're my only daughter." I found myself short of breath. My world began to spin and my lungs felt as if they were engulfed in flames. I was selfish. I only thought for myself. It never crossed my mind to wonder how he would actually feel? Or I thought that my presence was so insignificant that I wouldn't be missed when I was gone. But here was my father, reaching out to me and calling me back home. I felt wanted again. But I was lost and in the present, all I could do was stare at the screen with tears rolling down my cheeks. I was weak. I ran away from my fears because I desperately wanted control of myself again and all I searched for was a way to be numb. To be able to say that yes, I felt abandoned, but I was okay because I was alone and loneliness didn't hurt me anymore. But that was a lie. I lied to keep myself afloat. And none of this was making sense to me anymore. That's when I noticed that I was having a panic attack and I was now curled up in the back seat of my truck struggling to breathe. I didn't remember paying or leaving the diner, but it didn't matter because I felt as if I was dying on the inside and all I wanted was to be home in the arms of the people that I loved. Yes, I loved. With all of my heart and soul. I loved. Who was I to think that leaving would erase that as well? I stopped to think about the events that had taken place in the past months, I remembered my mother and how happy she was to be im her homeland. I remembered that despite how much I was hurting, I had to be the one to get over it and grow up. I wanted to go back in time, but that wasn't an option. I just had to go home. Although, it wouldn't be the same, at least I would have my father who was similar to me in multiple ways and who could help me along my journey. That gave me hope and purpose.
I picked up my phone, my hands shaking as if I had been battered by all the forces in the universe. I chose one of the many missed calls and waited for him to answer.
"Apa... I miss you."
And just like that, I felt as if I had woken up from a coma. I ended up in my father's driveway, the journey was a blur. I saw him sitting on the swing that he had been so proud of when he built it. I saw the vast field of corn. I saw the cabin that I loved so much. Everything flooded back. I was here. This was now.
I parked my truck and prepared to be scolded and yelled at. But as I stepped out I was engulfed by my fathers loving arms and I was a child again.
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I'm sorry. I was mean. I was insensitive. But I love you and I need you to know that. I can't imagine living without you and you mean the world to me. I know I was gone for a long time, but I am here now. I will tell you everything and I will let you help me because you're my father and I love you so much more than you could imagine. I just have a tough time showing it. But I promise that I will work on it. I will make you proud. Thank you, dad. For bringing me home.