Psych.

Ativan.

"I have such bad anxiety that it feels like i'm losing my mind and like I can't physically feel anything around me and I can't find comfort in anything."
I wrote as my mind became a mess and the world around me began to fade.
It all started with a viral infection in my digestive system about a month ago. I was alright before that and actually looking forward to my travel plans for the year. Zofran for nausea. Okay. Oh? Side effects? Anxiety. I couldn't sleep or eat. Drugs cure everything. Right? Here have Ativan in your I.V. drip because hospitals make you feel uneasy and you can't sleep. Oh, take a prescription for it as well. Let's evade the fact that it's a very addicting medication. Let's just say, take one nightly so you can sleep. Okay.
Now everything is gray and I can't do anything about it. My body is addicted to Ativan, but i'm screaming for it to stop. When I do stop, my heart jumps for no reason and i'm short of breath and I can't scream because I have no voice. My father has witnessed my total breakdown from a strong individual to a crippled little girl who can't function on her own. I've dropped my college classes. I can't drive. The only thing I can do properly is just sit there and stare. I can't seem to ground myself and i'm actually scared. I'm vulnerable. I can't stop crying because i'm mourning who I once was. Even though i've been close to here before. This is on an intense level because they gave me a drug, something I never wanted, they said it would help and now I am caged. I thought about death again and at the moment, i've decided that I have too many things to accomplish so I can't possibly give up yet. But I can't function. I seriously can't function. I can't control my self when I look over my shoulder or I get a rush so bad that it feels like I got punched in the stomach and i'm so frustrated that I am weak because I never wanted to feel this way and I did everything to avoid dropping this low. But yet here I am.
I have to take very quick showers because I think to much and it always feels like i'm going to faint and drown.
The other day I went to the ER (again) with Ativan withdrawals and a panic attack so bad that my heart was having palpitations and I felt like I was being crushed. They put me back on Ativan. And when I said I didn't want to depend on a drug, the doctor said, "Well you can't do it on your own so?" He was harsh. I remembered why I shouldn't rely on anyone. Not even the people who are supposed to be saving your life. "BREATHE. JUST BREATHE." They were annoyed because I couldn't control what was happening within me. And I was annoyed as well. I am pathetic. That was pathetic. And now I want to die again because if i'm going to malfunction that badly, how am I supposed to survive the up coming years? I am 20 years old, why am I behaving like a scared little girl? This is unappealing. Why would someone want to deal with this? That's why they're annoyed.