Psych.

Joke.

I've been feeling very bad lately.
E M O lmfao
This is why I don't like people. This is why I don't feel anything. What I do and say is only a joke. And no matter what I do, i'm never good enough. Nothing is ever good enough.
So, try your best.
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Acknowledgement. One of the biggest things in my life is the want to be acknowledged. Even though I claim to care less. Everyone likes attention and that is a fact because when you don't get attention, you feel left out and lonely. Did you know I can sing? I'm an artist as well. But i'm still just someone in the crowd.
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Ever since I got home i've been in a rut. Things were looking up for a second. But then the snow buried any sense of hope I had for a smile. I haven't made any real moves besides starting college again. I mostly just play League of Legends and run a server or sell hay to the horse owners around here. All while keeping my routine.
The online thing. I think I have friends...
This whole social butterfly act is starting to backfire though.
I like someone. At least I think I do. But i'm starting to hate him because I like him. And he won't bat an eye. He's actually very nice. But he's also a piece of shit. I go back and forth between wanting to care for him and deciding that he's not worth my time. He really isn't, to be honest. We are from two totally different worlds. Opposite spectrums entirely. What's more is that i'm positive he thinks nothing of me, even though he said he cares. Bullshit. Idfc.
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On the bright side, my mother sent me my favorite chocolates from Mexico. Maniceros. I wish I could share them with her. I don't know when i'll be able to see her again. I feel like time is short.
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I feel like I want to die again. That's not a good sign. I'm nauseous and I can't sleep. Not even the music helps now. A quote from today, "I joke about suicide so much that when I actually do it, everyone's going to think it's just a prank." Why am I like this? I'm not a good person. People keep telling me to be positive. Try a therapy again. I don't know. I've talked about this before. Therapy can only do so much. The rest is up to me.
I'm sorry this chapter was shit.