Psych.

Routine.

They brought me horses.
*********
They showed up when my dad and his wife were away. It was their turn to take a trip. So I endured more time alone.
The horses are not here forever, but they give me another reason to get up each morning.
Pancho and La Mariposa.
A six year old male and a three year old female.
They have the most opposite of personalities. The male is slow and patient and takes his time moving. The female is a racer, she has this burst of energy and is always prepared for anything. Pancho is the sweeter of the two. He allows me to pet him and leans his large head on my shoulder. La Mariposa is just full of sass.
Speaking of sass, Mikey is here along with a friend. A feral cat named Toong who just happened to show up. I remember saying, "I didn't order another cat." When I first saw his blonde head poke out from behind the hay.
They are the start to my routine, along with waking up to the soft music I fell asleep to. Every night I am exposed to lovely music. I don't like silence too much anymore.
This reminds me.
I have also become more social or at least have been working on it.
I'm trying to learn how to express myself without being frustrated. I know a few people who don't want to feel things either. But they end up feeling things anyway.
I think i'm feeling things more too. I care a lot more now and i've admitted to it. But that makes me feel weak. People can use that against me. It also feels as if it doesn't matter that I care. I'm reminded of when I used to disregard myself in order to make sure others were okay. But this time i'm trying to balance myself.
Despite the music, i've had many sleepless nights. That might be affecting my situation because some of those night aren't spent totally alone. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad. I don't know how to read this very well. I do know that these nights aren't useless though. I've learned quite a bit from them.
In fact, I love the night. I love how safe and enveloped it makes me feel. I can hide in the night. It's almost like a drink. It gives me confidence. And maybe that's my answer.
But then, I hit the part of my routine where I want to run away and feel nothing again.
It's too cold for my truck to start and the ice on the roads is keeping me at home. Maybe being caged by winter is a good thing.
I have a friend who has similar thoughts as me. We like to run away when things get too real. When we start caring. But she told me something "I'm tired of running." Well, me too. So i'm asking her to take a seat with me because even though i've always been a loner, I don't think it's good to deal with this alone. I'll tell her everything because I don't want to run away from home again.