The Run

186

Why didn't things turn out as planned? Where exactly did I go wrong? What was the tipping point of all this? It is so hard to pinpoint exactly which event led me to this hell. Is it when I agreed to let her ride with me further west? Or when I agreed to take her in the first place? Maybe if I hadn't forgotten that stupid wallet in that stupid diner. But again, maybe...

Maybe it goes further than that. Maybe it goes back to when we decided to sign that record deal, or even when I joined the band. Maybe our meeting was the moment my life changed for the better until it decided to go backward. I'll never know exactly where it went wrong. The thing is, it did, and I don't know how to get out. I don't even think I can get out until my plan comes to fruition, so instead of lamenting my faith, I'll make sure I get there, even with her sticking to my soles like an old chewing gum I happened to walk on.

She tricked me, that girl. She had me from the beginning and I didn't even see it coming. That night, I endured her monologue about her ex-boyfriend until she passed out from exhaustion, by which time, although tired myself, I couldn't sleep anymore. I was in a grimmer mood than ever the next day and could barely hear her complaints. It took so much strength in me not to lose patience and just scream at her. Or worse.

"I don't understand why we have to stay in shitty motels," she said, complaining about how her back was hurting and how that bed wasn't comfortable.  "You could easily afford four-star hotels-"

"In case you haven't noticed, I want to keep a low profile and-"

"But why?" she whined.

"Not your business," I flicked her question away. "But hey, it's a good thing we're parting ways today, then? You'll sleep wherever you want to now."

She opened her mouth like a fish out of water, seemingly astounded by the fact that I dared to think of my leaving without her as a good thing. For a moment there, she looked genuinely hurt, almost fearful at the thought of being left alone, but she quickly snapped out of it. "Can you at least drop me off at the nearest gas station? I'll see if I can find a nicer guy."

And I agreed. I said yes. I just fucking shrugged my shoulders as if it was nothing but it was everything! I should have known by then that something was wrong. She had it too easy with me already. I was getting too soft. I did think, for a split second, of refusing like I should have. But my brain argued - I needed to go to the gas station myself, didn't I?

We departed the motel in surprising silence on her part. She didn't even say a word in the car. She just got in, fastened her seat belt and stared patiently out the window as I set my bag in the trunk - hers was in the backseat since she was supposed to leave. But as you know... things didn't go as planned.

"Can I leave my bag in the car while I do some shopping?" she asked as I pulled up in the parking lot near the gas station.

Guess what I did? I didn't even blink. I said yes, of course, not even thinking for a second that she would... for God's sake, what was I thinking? How could I be so blind? I spent the last six months being careful, deeply aware of my surrounding, guarding myself as I had never done before. Then she came and ripped all my efforts apart, blew my defenses away like a fucking house of cards. 

We entered the store together. I grabbed what I needed, snacks, a sandwich, some juice, Redbull and water while she did her thing, and somehow we ended up lining up for the cash register at the same time. 

I'm so pissed at myself I don't even remember much of what happened exactly. What I do remember though, is that she smiled at me then, oh so innocently I would almost have smiled back. I let her go before me, looking around as the customer before us set his groceries on the counter. Everything seemed fine. Everything seemed as normal as they could be. I should have known better. 

I lost track of time when the person behind me poked my shoulder, clearing his throat nervously. 

"Um, excuse me," the guy said as I turned around. My eyes crossed his before they looked down at his t-shirt, and suddenly everything around me went silent and blurred. Everything except that one spot on his t-shirt where our band's name stood out in white bold letters. My blood froze when I heard my name from his lips. My real name. The one I was desperately trying to forget. 

The guy stood there for a while, his lips moving as he still talked to me, my mind reeling faster and faster. I only came to my senses when the vendor behind the counter yelled "NEXT", possible for the second or third time. I turned around on the spot, ignoring the insistence of the guy who, now I could properly hear him, was asking questions about my identity, perfectly aware that I was indeed Joshua Dun, and set my groceries on the counter. 

I could feel myself sweating, my lips trembling, and for some reason, I looked on my right, locking eyes with Emmie. She raised her eyebrows at me, mouthing something that looked like "Are you okay?" and I shook my head no. That's when I decided that the best idea to get myself out of the situation I had feared the most and done everything in my power to avoid was to flee the scene like a thief. 

I couldn't think straight. Abandoning the stuff I had planned to buy behind me, I ran for the door, my mind completely blanked out. I ignored everything and everyone on my path. All I wanted in that moment was to find myself alone again. I finally reached the car, panting, only to realize that the girl had followed me and was now sitting beside me in the passenger seat. 

"Get out," I told her in what I thought was my calmest voice. 

"Wait, you can't-"

"GET OUT!"

"Ty-"

"Don't make me push you out of this car, girl. Get out now before I-"

"I'm staying!"

"Listen to me-"

"No, YOU listen to me Joshua. I'm not leaving. And if you don't want me to call the cops and all those people looking for you to tell them everything I know about you and your whereabouts, you're gonna calm the fuck down and start the car before those guys in the shop do it themselves."

I glanced at the entrance briefly, paralyzed by everything that was happening, glanced at her and her serious stare... and I started the car.