The Run

177

I'm confused. I'm confusing myself. I don't understand these reactions. I had managed to get a grip, at least a semblance of one, but I can't seem to control my emotions anymore. I thought I had armored myself, thought I had finally become a senseless, emotionless human being, and that all I needed to do was let the time pass by until I could... and now I'm laughing, crying, having fucking panic attacks all of a sudden.

How can she do that?

After my episode, she took the wheel and we drove silently for a couple of hours until the sun went to bed and it was time for us to find a place to sleep too. Eventually, she stopped the car in a parking lot, and I was already out when I noticed that there was no motel or hotel in view. It was just that: a parking lot. I hadn't paid attention whatsoever, and there's a chance she might have talked to me, but I don't even remember it. I looked at her, confused, as she got out of the car and leaned against the hood.

"I just thought we could stay out a bit more tonight," she said calmly, smiling. "We can watch the stars and- and talk a little bit, I don't know."

I raised an eyebrow. "D'you think we're in a fucking romance novel or what?"

She laughed. A bright, powerful laugh that tingled in the air. "Maybe we are, who knows." She laid her hands behind her on the hood of the car and pushed herself in a seating position, then looked at me again, grinning, before lying against the windshield, hands behind her head. "Don't be such a downer. Come on!" she said as she tapped the space next to her. "Plus, it's part of our agreement that we have to talk to each other. Tell our stories. Now is as good  a time as any to start, don't you think?"

I hesitated. I really did. Or maybe not, I don't remember. The fact is, I joined her. Lay next to her. Watched the stars. And we did talk. I could feel her breathing next to me. Breathing slowly, as if she was completely content, and I wondered how she did it. I don't know much of her story yet, but I can't comprehend her state. She's alone, with me, was able to quit her job and her home and leave everything but a little pink suitcase, which means she probably has nothing holding her back and/or is running away from something, yet she seems... happy.

"So?" I ended up asking, awaiting her interrogation. She turned to me, silent. "Aren't you going to question me?"

She smiled again, that smile, then turned her eyes back to the stars. "I'm not. Unless you want me to."

"I don't. I just don't see how you're going to get answers from me if you don't ask questions." And it's not like I wanted her to ask me questions, you know. But she seemed adamant to know things about me that I had never told. It was one of her conditions to stay on this road trip with me. What did she expect? That I was going to willingly spill all my secrets? That I was going to turn into a live-speaking human biography all of a sudden?

"I told you," she answered after a while, seemingly hearing my silent questions. "I want you to tell me your story in your own time. I don't want to force anything."

I laughed in my own head, no sound coming out of me until I decided to speak again. "What if I never tell you anything, then?" Which was most likely to happen, as you would know.

"Then I will have failed."

I said nothing, then. I continued to watch the stars and thought maybe you were one of them. Watching over me. Pitying the person that I had become. I closed my eyes, hoping the vision of you, up there in the sky, would disappear. But you were there, even with my eyes closed. You're always there. You never go away, do you? Never have, never will. That's why I'm doing this, after all. To let you go.